So let me get you caught up on me and my crazy, upside down life. I have never been one to learn things the easy way. I may be just a little stubborn and I've always been one to make my own path in the world. Not always the best way but hey, that's just me. I was married at 20 and having my first child by 21. I was very rebellious and angry and married someone who my parents did not approve of. We (mostly him but I certainly went along with it) got married on Halloween and moved soon after 2 1/2 hours away from my family. To say I was on a slippery downward slope is a pretty accurate description of the next 16 years of my life. I was raised in church and was saved when I was 4 years old. I knew all the right words and all the songs to sing. But my foundation was weak and it quickly crumbled under the weight of all the world had to offer. I look back and I can so clearly see the Father's protective hand on my life. I went down some pretty dark roads but could have ended up so much worse than it did. We separated after 5 years and stayed apart and even divorced but I was as addicted to him as one could be to drugs. I wanted what I thought he could give me-love, acceptance, self-worth and identity. I had no idea who I was or what I really wanted. I truly did not know who I was without him.
So after 2 years apart I asked him to come back. We split up and got back together several times but made it another 10 years before he finally left. To say our relationship was toxic is just scratching the surface of what it was. I lost myself in trying to be what I thought he needed. I didn't know till later but that was codependency. He always had a hard time keeping a job-I made excuses for him and his bad behavior but really he was selfish and lazy. The kids and I were never a priority and he got tired of pretending. So one day after losing yet another job he came up with a brilliant idea. He was going to move to another state and take a job. At this time our oldest was a junior in high school and I was a teacher. So I came up with the plan-I would stay and finish out the next 2 years with the kids (at this point we had 2 boys) and he would move. We would visit him and when my oldest had graduated we would move and be together. Great plan, right? Yeah hindsight is 20/20. He sat down with me and we told the boys the plan. Then he left. Two weeks later we had just finished our nightly call and I got a feeling that something was wrong. So I called him back and ask what was wrong. He began with the usual "I've been unhappy for awhile. I don't love you anymore, etc." I was floored. I did not see it coming and I was so mad. If he had told me this in person I might have hurt him. I begged him not for me but for the boys. I knew the fallout for them would be devastating. And it was. It has taken me 7 years to forgive him for the pain he caused my babies.
So now I was single, alone. Something I had never planned and certainly had not wanted. I cried, I screamed. I stopped eating and dropped 20 pounds. I basically turned into a zombie. I felt so empty. I never wanted my home to be broken. I had put up with a lot from him to keep this from happening and I was outraged that after all I had done he had rejected me so completely. How dare he?! But it was in these moments that I found out I was not alone. I still had people who loved me and they rallied around me. I will forever be grateful for all the late night phone calls, The drinks after work with a dear friend and just the love that I felt from family and friends. Messages on Facebook, both on my wall and private messages. In fact it was through Facebook that I met my husband. A friend who I had just recently reconnected with sent me her phone number and an invitation to come and stay for the weekend. She fed me and took care of both my physical and emotional needs. We drank wine and watched movies and I began to see the light, to feel hope again. Some time later, perhaps a month I'm not exactly sure, she came and stayed with me. It was that weekend as we were sitting there watching a movie and drinking wine that she picked up her phone and scrolled Facebook. She said those fated words "Hey my friend just changed his relationship status. You should send him a friend request. Y'all have a lot in common." One look at his picture and I was interested. Fueled with alcohol induced bravery I sent him a request. We commented back and forth and I will admit I Facebook stalked him. I was interested but never ever thought he would be. But he was and on July 2 after texting and messaging we talked on the phone for the first time. From that day we talked nearly every day for hours. I was smitten. I fell hard and fast. While spending a weekend with my friend I made a wish list of all the things I wanted from my next relationship, never thinking that it would come true. But truly the more I got to know him the more things I checked off that list. By the time we got married almost exactly a year later I had checked everything off the list. Not to say he was perfect but he was and still is perfect for me. Truly my new beginning of what I once thought was the end of my world. I was 38 and my life felt like it was just beginning.
