Update

So it has been a long while since I've posted on this blog so let me first update you on me. Last post was in December and even though I didn't say this I was struggling with burnout. I truly for the first time since walking into the classroom did not want to be a teacher. Was this a result of pandemic teaching? No, not really. It was definitely the straw that broke me but if I were honest I have struggled with this for a while. God had been calling me out of teaching for several years but I just did not want to give up my comfort, my security. But if you know God like I do, he does not give up on his kids. So finally in May after crying through another lunch break and lots of text to my husband venting I just did it. I walked back in and told my director I would not be renewing my contract. Then I told my principal and submitted my resignation letter to the school board. Not even quitting is easy for us teachers, lol. I kept expecting to feel panic but all I felt was peace. Not gonna lie there have been a few moments of fear. And satan, let me tell you he used this to work on my insecurities, my family, friendships and pretty much any weak spot he thought he could find. But God and many prayers are getting me through.  I still have no idea what comes next. But I do know what comes now. I am using this time to serve Him. I am attending a womens bible study that I was just too tired for before. I am auditioning for praise and worship choir tonight. If you know me at all you know and if you don't let me tell you-I love, love, love to sing but singing in front of people terrifies me. Years of being told I could not sing have taken it's emotional toll on me. But God did not ask if I could sing, he ask me to sing, to praise him with the voice he blessed me with. It may not be pretty and certainly not perfect but he asked so here goes... I am also about to take a class to be a teacher at church. This was something that I never made time for before. I already taught 5 days a week and I did not have the time to devout to another class. Maybe I will now, maybe I will lead a bible study or maybe this will just be a time for learning to be a better small group leader in my Celebrate Recovery group. But that is not up to me, he just ask me to be still, to listen and be obedient. I am taking time for me, eating better, sleeping more and walking. I absolutely hate any form of exercise but I have really let the temple he gave me go and it's time to take better care of it. I pray more and read my bible more. And I wait on him. It is the hardest thing I have ever done but once I surrendered it has been easier. I will continue to update and I know there will come a post titled "I got a job!!!", just not yet.

I am tired

So I originally started writing this as a blog to discuss the issues of parenting 2 boys with autism. It then kinda morphed into a blog about me and my recovery from abuse.

Today I am taking a new turn in my blogging journey. Rarely have I discussed my job on here. I am a teacher and I am proud to be one. I love the idea of what I do. Currently I hate what I actually have to do. Teaching in the midst of a pandemic is a nightmare. Now I know this has been hard on everyone, especially medical workers. I am not unsympathetic to this but this is my blog and my struggle. Teaching has always been a hard job. It has always been underappreciated and undervalued by those who could change it. This has only made it worse, so much worse. I can barely remember what I did today and I pray everyday that it was enough. Did I teach enough, love and nurture enough and a more basic need-did I go to the bathroom when I needed to so I can finally get rid of this UTI I can't seem to get rid of? Did I clean enough, do mask checks often enough, wash my hands enough, make sure the students wash their hands enough? Did I plan enough for tomorrow, did I turn in that report on time, do that paperwork correctly, make those copies I needed? The list is endless and I could go on. But hopefully you get the point. Did I do enough?

And the answer is No. It's never enough. There will always be that one thing that didn't get done. That one child you worry that you didn't give enough attention to. Did they eat enough so they won't be hungry when they go home, because there is no food at home. Did I hug them when they needed it? Did I yell when I needed a soft voice? Did I....literally my drive home consist of this thought process every single day. Some days I can proccess it and resolve it before I get home. Some days like today it overwhelms me and I sob the whole way home. My anxiety is so bad that some days I can't breathe. I carry my struggle into my dreams many nights. I am sleep deprived and most days it's all I can do to get out of bed, let alone get dressed. 

And there is no end in sight. Well there is but that causes me the worst anxiety. Shut down. It is ever looming in the back ground. Will it happen? When will it happen? What will we do when it happens? How will my students handle it? Will they be ok? When will I see them again? I wonder some days if I don't have PTSD from the last shut down. Literally today as I was opening my computer to write I saw the words shut down at the bottom of my screen and I felt the panic just for a minute. Sounds crazy but this has become my life. 

So what can you do? If you are asking that question, thank you. The answer is "Have our backs". When we call you about your child please know we have done everything we can do and we need your help. When we vent on social media don't belittle and critisize us. Hear us and value us. Just listen. Let us know that we are seen, heard, valued and appreciated. We need it now more than ever. 

If you have made it this far, Thank you.

Isolation

So I have currently been under quarantine for 11 days. My husband tested posted positive for Covid 19. The day it happened it all seemed so surreal. I could not believe this was happening. I tested negative, whew. But my sweet husband was sick. For three days he slept and I was alone. I had two of our boys but they spent most if their time in their rooms. I did all the right things. Tended to him, (annoyed the crap out of him while he was sleeping) and prayed. I read my bible but not like I needed to. I was scared. Sunday night I had a complete come-apart. I was exhausted because I was not sleeping. My husband was aggravated because I kept checking on him. He has asthma and allergies that put him at risk for complications, so I was scared. I gave into the enemy and I broke. But that it not where I want my focus to be today.

You see it did not end there. The Holy Spirit is so good. He spoke to me in my pain and reminded me of who I am. He whispered hope and love. I did not feel condemned because of my weakness. Today I was watching church online since we can't be there. I was watching our praise and worship team and noticing all the missing people. For just a moment I wondered if I would ever get to see them again. I broke, I cried. I hurt. But then I remembered all the text, phone calls and visits I have had (no they did not come in but dropped off much needed supplies I could not get). I remembered the post of encouragement from my family. Family is so much more than blood. I don't really have any blood related family close by but I am not alone. We have not went without anything we have needed and have had many comforts that some who have battled this virus have not had. I have painted, wrote and had all manner of shows and movies available to be me. Food brought to my door step and meals being  prepared in love for my family by my sweet church family. We may be quarantined but we have not been isolated.

But the greatest of all is the blessed hope I can cling to even in my darkest hours. I will never have to be alone, ever. God will always be there. I may not see my church family this side of heaven but I will see them. I may only sing from my couch but someday I will get to sing before the throne of the Lord God Almighty with all my fellow Christians. Even if. Even if the very worst happens still I will have hope. Even if the whole world explodes around me I will be safe. He holds me in the palm of His hand and He will never let me go. This is but a moment in the eternity that He has promised me. So today I chose to praise. I chose to speak joy and I will persevere. If He can die for me the very least  I can do is live for him. 

11 days down, 12 more to go. Yes 14 days in what quarantine is supposed to be but ours is not. But that is a story for another day.

Troubled

Ok, so I have had this on my mind for a while but wasn't really sure where to put it or how to put into words what I am feeling so if I ramble a bit pardon me. 

The world is in a terrible state. I don't think anyone would argue that fact. Between corona virus, protest and riots and the downfall that is happening in our economy, the world as we know it has changed. There is no normal. People are hurting and dying. But one thing troubles me. The hate. I am bothered by how quickly we turn on each other these days. People I have known my whole life are engaging in heated debates over things that simply don't matter. To mask or not, racist or not and it is only getting worse. To have an opinion contrary to another's is viewed as a personal attack and is not tolerated. It breaks my heart and truthfully has made me a little hesitant to speak out on social media. But that ends today.

Here are my beliefs about the state of the world. 

We live in a fallen world.

Sin is a cancer and our world is dying from it.

It is not going to get better.

Jesus is the only answer to it. 

Satan is throwing a party in these last days.

He is ready and willing to take as many as he can with him to hell.

We are living in the end time and Jesus is coming back.

There are many who have hardened their hearts and truly believe they are right.

God said this would happen and He is always right.

The bible is the word of God from beginning to the end.

If God calls it sin we don't get to correct Him, He is always right.

If you are a Christian you are fighting a spiritual battle whether you want to or not.

If you want to win you must put on your armor and use it.

In order to do this you must know what it is and how it work.

God gives us the operating manual in His word. 

It is your responsibility to read it, not your pastor or Sunday school teacher. 

We must be ready and willing to give our testimony to others.

Every single day we have divine appointments and we are missing them.

Nothing else matters but Jesus.

Not corona, racism, politics.

Nothing. 

Satan is using these as a diversion to keep us from seeing the truth.

He is working in our churches and we are letting him.

Every time we see sin and look the other way he wins. 

We must be bold. 

We must trust God and nothing else.

We must love people the way Jesus did. 

He was never afraid to tell people the truth of their sin.

Who He was and what He could do for them.

He did not stay within the safety of the walls of the church.

He walked among the outcast.

He never cared about status or material comforts.

He only cared about the will of His Father-God.

He died so we don't have to.

He loves us despite our sin.

He took the punishment for it so we don't have to.

We are all unworthy sinners.

Every single one of us.

We were made by Him to worship.

We will worship.

He gives us the ability to choose what.

There is no in between.

You must choose.

God or Satan.

To not choose is to choose Satan.

Only God knows our appointed time of death.

Nothing we do can change it.

We cannot hasten it or extend it. 

Not with a mask or a vaccine.

Sin will never leave this world till He comes back. 

Because of that hatred will always be.

Racism cannot be completely stomped out.

But we as Christians can love.

We have been commanded to.

We are the only light this world has.

We must stop hiding it.

In order to share the truth we must first know it.

The only truth is found in the bible.

The devil is a liar.

He only comes to kill, steal and destroy.

He is destroying our country.

He can only continue if we let him.

Making something legal does not make it ok.

It is still a sin.

Murder is murder no matter the age of the victim.

Sexual immorality is a sin no matter the gender of your partner.

God has a plan for marriage and anything outside of it is a sin.

He is always right.

He is always right.

He is always right.

We cannot change this.

These are my beliefs. I will stand by then till the day I die.

Why can't today be some day?

I woke up this morning crying. I fell asleep with tears on my pillow. I don't even know why anymore. I fight daily just to keep my head above the water. I scream "Help me, save me" but only inside my own head. I paint a smile but inside I am slowly dying. I spend my days helping others, all the while bleeding out onto the floor. My scars are hidden. I want to show them, need to but I can't. I do not know how to save me. I do not know how to ask for help. 

Some days I can convince myself I'm ok. Some days I can feel ok. Some days I don't feel so bad. Some days the dark is not so dark and I can feel the light. Some days the fear takes a back seat. But today is not some day.

I can't get out of this sea of lies that I have been drowning in my whole life. Not enough, not worthy, not real, it's wrong to feel. Won't somebody please throw me a life line? Somebody please see past my mask? See past the lie, I'm doing fine, see the pain? I just want to be seen. To be heard. To feel like I matter to you. I need to hear the words-You are beautiful. You are loved. I need to feel them, let them sink into my soul. Let them become part of the inner dialogue that runs endlessly in my head. I need to hear that I am important to you. That your life would not be complete without me. I feel like this it too much. That to ask for this is not my right. That I should be ok without it but I am not. 

Some days I can convince myself I'm ok. Some days I can feel ok. Some days I don't feel so bad. Some days the dark is not so dark and I can feel the light. Some days the fear takes a back seat. But today is not some day. 

Why can't today just be someday?

Quarantine day?

So I have been wanting write but have been suffering serious writers block so here goes. I apologize ahead of time if it is very random.

Today begins another day of social distancing, quarantine, whatever you want to call it. I have completely lost track of what number day it is but I do know tomorrow is Easter. I also know the day of His return is coming sooner than many realize. That being said, the enemy is roaming this earth causing havoc wherever he can. Christians we have to keep our armor on at all times. We have to love one another as He loves us. We must speak His name and tell His story every opportunity we get. The time is running short. If you love someone and they don't know Him, you must tell them. Pray for them, without ceasing.

Isolation for me is where the enemy does his best work. They demons of fear and depression have been having a field day in my mind here lately. I let my guard down and they come running. Poking at my sense of self-worth, my peace of mind. And truthfully I have let them. Allowing myself to think the thoughts they whisper in my ear. "Worthless, unworthy, useless, failure, unloved" These are just a few of them. Crying and feeling the despair they bring with them. But God did not leave us defenseless. He has given us a sound mind to make good decisions. He bound the enemy and we have that same power given to us from Him. In His name we can overcome.

We have the helmet of our salvation protecting our thoughts reminding us of who we are in Him. We have His righteousness covering us like a breast plate. His truth like a belt around our waist. Holding us up and supporting us when we are weak.We have our sword, His word but we can't use a weapon we don't know. Use this time to read it, learn it and commit it to memory. Use the shield of our faith-remind yourself that even when things look their darkest He has never failed you. He will always be there and His will is for us to stand strong, to prevail over the darkness both in this world and in our own heads. We must use those sandals to bring this hope to a world that is in despair. This is a time we can shine our light, share our hope. Never forget that.

Remember His grace, forgiveness. Even in that last hour, enduring unimaginable pain he spoke "Father forgive them. They know not what they do". The very people who condemned Him to death, the people who drove the nails in His hands and feet. Who gambled away His blood stained clothing. Who mocked Him, laughing at his pain. He forgives. There is no sin that can't be forgiven. We do not deserve it but He gives. I pray that this will never lose its power over me. That I will always be broken hearted and humble. Even now knowing that my flesh is weak and my pride will make me fall again. My Jesus, my precious Jesus, the name above all names. He is my Lord, my Savior. HE IS RISEN! THE TOMB IS EMPTY!

I forgive you

I attend a Celebrate Recovery group at my church. I started going to be a supportive spouse and soon discovered just how much I needed fixing. I have been attending now for almost 3 years. My first chip that I began collecting was for "worry" which I now know as anxiety or more truthfully not trusting God with all my life. I worked this recovery for 12 months and felt like I had conquered it. I was wrong.

The next chip started collecting was more of a cry for help. In listening to several of my small group members discussing depression, an ugly side effect that can accompany abuse, I realized I needed help. I was drowning in all my pain and denial. I went to the doctor, got put on my meds and talked truthfully about my feelings. At 12 months I felt better. I was cured. Yeah, right. So at this point I had done a step study "Life's healing choices" and was about to do another. I breezed on through the second one and felt pretty good about myself and how recovered I was.

Well, then came the 12 step program. I had forgiven my ex during my first 8 step, worked through some childhood trauma in the second so when it came time for the dreaded spiritual inventory I really wasn't sure what I needed to work on. After all I was recovered.

Boy was I wrong....I sat down one day and started to write. Listed all my past hurts and just stopped. I was good with all those, what was I going to put in the rest of the columns? Then I did what I should have done first. I prayed. God answered pretty quickly "Me". Gulp, really are you sure? As I wrote it down in obedience the thoughts and tears began to flow. Wow! I really hated myself. I had never forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. In fact I had my own private monologue about how bad I sucked. I made a whole lot of bad decisions. I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship long past it's expiration date. I hurt my boys by allowing their biological dad to hurt them and not stopping it. My self care is non-existent. I allowed myself to be used by my ex for money and pretty much anything else he wanted. After all life was all about him. I internalized all the ugly lies that were told to me from my childhood. My self worth was less than zero. I completely lost my voice when it came to standing up for myself,  The list continued as I berated every single part of me. It was so easy to list all the bad things about myself. After all I had heard them every day, first externally by others and then internally in my own voice.

I seriously felt like I was drowning in my own head. My depression came back, my anxiety kicked in. And the voice in  my head chimed in, practically cheering me on. But one thing about recovery is that it is ongoing. I had also learned some new skills. I reached out to my accountability partner and sponsor. I read my bible and I prayed. Today in church during altar call I prayed. I cried and I heard my answer. In order to heal this wound I had to stop ignoring the dialogue in my head. Listen to it and silence it once and for all. I had to reach out and ask for the help I needed. I had to accept the truth-I did not get to choose to be broken. That was not my fault and I needed to lay that down. But I could choose to lay it down. I can be healed. Every time I acknowledge the lies I tell myself, I name it for what it is and replace it with truth. It will not happen overnight but it will happen. My Father in Heaven did not create me to be defeated but victorious. I can be free.