Why can't today be some day?

I woke up this morning crying. I fell asleep with tears on my pillow. I don't even know why anymore. I fight daily just to keep my head above the water. I scream "Help me, save me" but only inside my own head. I paint a smile but inside I am slowly dying. I spend my days helping others, all the while bleeding out onto the floor. My scars are hidden. I want to show them, need to but I can't. I do not know how to save me. I do not know how to ask for help. 

Some days I can convince myself I'm ok. Some days I can feel ok. Some days I don't feel so bad. Some days the dark is not so dark and I can feel the light. Some days the fear takes a back seat. But today is not some day.

I can't get out of this sea of lies that I have been drowning in my whole life. Not enough, not worthy, not real, it's wrong to feel. Won't somebody please throw me a life line? Somebody please see past my mask? See past the lie, I'm doing fine, see the pain? I just want to be seen. To be heard. To feel like I matter to you. I need to hear the words-You are beautiful. You are loved. I need to feel them, let them sink into my soul. Let them become part of the inner dialogue that runs endlessly in my head. I need to hear that I am important to you. That your life would not be complete without me. I feel like this it too much. That to ask for this is not my right. That I should be ok without it but I am not. 

Some days I can convince myself I'm ok. Some days I can feel ok. Some days I don't feel so bad. Some days the dark is not so dark and I can feel the light. Some days the fear takes a back seat. But today is not some day. 

Why can't today just be someday?