my mess His message

Hi my name is Talitha and I am a grateful believer in Christ. I am a survivor of abuse and I struggle with anxiety and depression. I was sexually abused as a child. I always thought other than that one event I had a pretty typical childhood. My dad worked hard but was pretty distant emotionally. My mom shouldered most of the responsibility of parenting and was very hard on me. I always felt like I never quite measured up. I married at 20 and was pregnant with my first child. So far, so good right? Well not so much. He was everything I thought I wanted and needed. He very quickly became the center of my world. There was no hoop too big for me to jump through for him, Nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job till one day he made it pretty clear I wasn't. He left and I was devastated.

 But in an act that can only be God I met a guy. We met through a mutual friend and our relationship began on Facebook. It progressed rather quickly and before I knew it we were engaged and I was making plans to move from Tennessee which had been my home for all of my life to Arkansas where I knew no one but him. Looking back it could have gone so wrong. But God. Shortly after we married, he suggested we go to church. I was raised in church so this sounded good to me. It was the first thing I had given up for my ex. I was glad to be back. It was my comfort zone. I still remember the first night walking in and hearing Dr. Sam say "Mike Snyder come on it." I will forever be grateful for the welcoming love I felt at First Baptist. That Easter Sunday I remember being so excited. Everyone had new clothes, Easter baskets and we were going to church! The sermon that Sunday was the resurrection story. I had heard it a thousand times as a child and it was familiar. But something had changed. I was a mother and I could understand it from God the Father's point of view. His sacrifice that day. He gave up his only son to pay for my sins. I could never imagine sacrificing any of my children for any reason. But he did. He turned his back on Jesus, if but for that moment because Jesus took all the sins of the world-all that had been and ever will be. If it had only been me he still would have done it. It was all so overwhelming. I had done so many things and I was so ashamed. How was it possible that I could be washed clean? I certainly did not deserve it. In that moment with tears streaming I cried out. "God I don't know if I ever belonged to you but if I haven't I want to now." In that moment my whole life flashed before me. I could see how my entire life he had been there protecting me and keeping me so I could know him. That day my life changed. I wanted to live for him .

We continued to go to church. First at First Baptist, then Eastside, then Grace. God then led us to New Life. The first Sunday I heard about Celebrate Recovery. I leaned over and pointed it out to Mike, my husband. It took some convincing but finally we went. At first I told myself I was going to be a supportive wife. You see Mike is a recovering alcoholic. He is now 6 years sober. He needed to be there (that's what I told myself) and maybe I had a thing or two I needed to talk about. I had just lost my Dad and I was grieving. I attended the A to Z group for women and shed some tears that first night. But the next week a friend, Melissa approached me and said they were starting an abuse group and would I like to come to it? I thought about it. Told myself that it was in the past and didn't really affect me now. Boy was I wrong. Through this group I have learned to understand how I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 20 years. Why I was so willing to lose myself in a relationship.  How to better understand and forgive my mom who was abused herself. Knowing all this helped me identify destructive patterns of behavior that I had learned as a result.

But I wasn't done yet. A sadness was enveloping my life-I chalked it up to grief from losing my Dad. But as we kept meeting and talking I began to realize I needed help. You see that's how Celebrate Recovery works. You come in for one thing and find out everything else that's wrong with you. I was in complete denial but as I listened week after week I started to see myself in others' stories.I heard myself saying "Me too" time after  time. It was with the support and accountability I found at Celebrate Recovery that I was able to get the help that I did not want to realize I needed. I am now in recovery for my depression and just collected my 9 month chip. I am also the leader of the group that I never wanted to be a part of. God is good like that. At my lowest point I was sitting on the couch sobbing and I felt the urge to write. What came out can only be explained as the Holy Spirit. I poured out all my pain and at the end of it I found my hope. I would like to share it with you now.

Standing in a crowded room

people everywhere

Rushing about, living their lives

Here I stand

Invisible

Covered in scars

wounded and hurt

bound by my chains

I screamed but no sound

the only ones to hear

the voices in my head

Telling me I'm not worthy

Why would anyone listen?

You're such as mess

Such an ugly selfish mess!

I stand and I leave

Does anyone even notice?

If I left here forever

would anyone even care?

I don't have an answer

but the fight in me is gone

I just want someone to 

see me. To know me and love me anyway

So after I dumped my brokenness out onto paper I began to pray. God said write so I did, having no idea what I was going to do, Here is what I prayed and what he told me.

I am afraid

I am not good enough

I am not worthy

My husband will not love me

when he sees all my pain. All my baggage.

His love will turn to anger and frustration if he knows me.

If I open myself up to him completely.

My children will despise me because I am not strong.

I let them down one too many times and my presence will repulse them.

They will be ashamed of me.

My friends all eventually get enough and walk away

I am not interesting enough to hold their attention

I cannot control my anxiety and go out in public, or even return a phone call

I shut myself out and it is my fault I have no friends

It is easier to be alone than to open myself up again.

To risk the barely healed scabs to be ripped off once again from my freshly healed wounds

But all this is a lie! Demon I name you-Fear.

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus

Humble yourself before the Lord

Resist the devil and he will flee!

You have no choice, you have no power, you can't stay here

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!

I am worthy just to be me

I am loved by my family and friends

I am enough

Because even if all else fails, I was enough for Him

He died, he sacrificed it all just for me

He gave me the power that I now hold in my  hand

He knew even then how you would torture me and try to tear me down

It is because He knew my pain that He bled and died

He said NO to you then and I am saying it now

NO more of your lies

NO more of your pain

NO more of your talons digging into my skin, my soul

You have no power unless I let you and I say 

NO because he said I can

I am worthy

I am loved

I am washed in his blood

And you have to LEAVE!

Through Celebrate Recovery I have found the me that I thought I had lost. And because I kept coming back I now stand before you "the new and improved me" The me that God always intended me to be. As we say in CR "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!"