So I originally started writing this as a blog to discuss the issues of parenting 2 boys with autism. It then kinda morphed into a blog about me and my recovery from abuse.
Today I am taking a new turn in my blogging journey. Rarely have I discussed my job on here. I am a teacher and I am proud to be one. I love the idea of what I do. Currently I hate what I actually have to do. Teaching in the midst of a pandemic is a nightmare. Now I know this has been hard on everyone, especially medical workers. I am not unsympathetic to this but this is my blog and my struggle. Teaching has always been a hard job. It has always been underappreciated and undervalued by those who could change it. This has only made it worse, so much worse. I can barely remember what I did today and I pray everyday that it was enough. Did I teach enough, love and nurture enough and a more basic need-did I go to the bathroom when I needed to so I can finally get rid of this UTI I can't seem to get rid of? Did I clean enough, do mask checks often enough, wash my hands enough, make sure the students wash their hands enough? Did I plan enough for tomorrow, did I turn in that report on time, do that paperwork correctly, make those copies I needed? The list is endless and I could go on. But hopefully you get the point. Did I do enough?
And the answer is No. It's never enough. There will always be that one thing that didn't get done. That one child you worry that you didn't give enough attention to. Did they eat enough so they won't be hungry when they go home, because there is no food at home. Did I hug them when they needed it? Did I yell when I needed a soft voice? Did I....literally my drive home consist of this thought process every single day. Some days I can proccess it and resolve it before I get home. Some days like today it overwhelms me and I sob the whole way home. My anxiety is so bad that some days I can't breathe. I carry my struggle into my dreams many nights. I am sleep deprived and most days it's all I can do to get out of bed, let alone get dressed.
And there is no end in sight. Well there is but that causes me the worst anxiety. Shut down. It is ever looming in the back ground. Will it happen? When will it happen? What will we do when it happens? How will my students handle it? Will they be ok? When will I see them again? I wonder some days if I don't have PTSD from the last shut down. Literally today as I was opening my computer to write I saw the words shut down at the bottom of my screen and I felt the panic just for a minute. Sounds crazy but this has become my life.
So what can you do? If you are asking that question, thank you. The answer is "Have our backs". When we call you about your child please know we have done everything we can do and we need your help. When we vent on social media don't belittle and critisize us. Hear us and value us. Just listen. Let us know that we are seen, heard, valued and appreciated. We need it now more than ever.
If you have made it this far, Thank you.
