So it's that time of year again. Reflecting on the past and planning for the future. Looking back there have been some mountain top victories and some pretty low valleys. I admitted for the first time ever out loud that I suffer with depression.That it is more than just being sad. More than just the blues. Looking back this has been a lifelong struggle. The battles have marked every significant life change. It has become my coping (?) mechanism, my default setting-my little secret that I kept locked away.The one that refused to stay hidden. I am learning to let go of the shame that I can't do this-I can't control it. Realizing there is no shame in needing help.
So 2019 here are my resolutions
1. Learn to love myself the way He does.
The thing about recovery is it is a process, not a destination. In recovery from lifelong depression I am discovering that much of it is rooted in self-loathing. Not just the "I'm not pretty enough" but not feeling worthy. Worthy of self-care. Of having my basic human needs met. I deserve to be loved. Even as I type it the lies begin. Really, if they ever knew who you really were they would never. Feeling constantly like a fraud. Hearing someone sing your praises and wondering who they are talking about because it could not possibly be you.
2. To be transparent in all of my struggles.
I have always tried to do this but I can do better. Transparency removes the shame. It says that because He loves me I don't have to be ashamed. My messes can be someone else's message, I am saved, that does not make me perfect, it just makes me forgiven.
3. To extend Grace to myself
I guess this goes back to number one and maybe number two too. I will fall and I will slip and mess up, Until the day I enter heaven I will be human, imperfect and flawed. I will say and do things that need to be forgiven. I have always strived to be a forgiving person. But the one person I left out was myself. I am going to work on that.
The last thing I am choosing to focus on is my word for the year-HOPE. I got it from a quiz posted by a friend and it has popped up everyday since in some way. I can do all these things because I have hope. This messed up, broken world is not my home. Someday I will be face to face with my Savior. Until then I have the Holy Spirit. I will never be alone in my struggles. He is always there working everything out for me. I can trust Him because over and over again he has proven to me He is worthy.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Stuck
So it's Christmas break and I have been catching up on my social media, reading other people's blogs and I came across one that struck a nerve, a raw nerve, one that I thought had healed. It was written by another mom who has a son with severe autism speaking her fears for her son out loud. Fears of regression, progress and most importantly the future. You see she knows that her son will always live with her. He is 8 and doesn't speak. He isn't potty trained and has severe anxiety which limits not only his own life but the lives of his family members. I love this blog and I am in awe of this mom's ability to be so transparent with her life.
I am also a little jealous. I know this might not make any sense but she knows. Even though it hurts and I can feel her pain coming through the keyboard as she types. I wish I knew-there is comfort in the known. The unknown breeds fear and uncertainty. I have 2 boys on the autism spectrum. Their diagnosis is much less severe than her sweet boy's. They can speak and function in the neurotypical world. But it hasn't always been that way. I still remember when my youngest was little. His meltdowns were so severe that I was traumatized (I imagine he was too). I planned all my outings around his father's work schedule so I could do them alone. His behaviors were so easy to misunderstand. I remember correcting an older lady who I am sure thought she was helping. "He isn't being disobedient. He has autism and he is feeling very anxious".She looked at me like I had grown a second head.This had become my life. Translating my children's behavior so others could see what I could. They were and still are good boys.They have trouble understanding others feelings but when they do they feel them so deeply.
I remember reading all the statistics and trying so hard to accept that my beautiful little boy who truly was a miracle might never speak. That I might never hear him say "Mamma" or "I love you".I remember when speech finally came.It was so echolaic. Just words repeated from movies, commercials. Beautiful to a mamma's ears but still no connection to me. I remember the first time he looked in my direction and said my name-Mamma. He was 3. I remember going to school functions. Watching all the other children playing and he is in his own little world, just stimming because it's all he knows. I remember the IEP meetings-all the services he needed at first. I remember the one in second grade-He is being moved to indirect services. Just speech and OT. Look at how far he has come. In that moment I saw a light, hope. It has been a roller-coaster ride and I still don't know where we are headed, He has come so far. His older brother is living alone, independent and has a girlfriend. Something I had all but given up on. Most days I can almost forget he is different. Then I get a glimpse of what typical is and the hurt returns. Things he may never understand. The worst is when he understands just enough to know he doesn't. He wants friends but doesn't understand how to do it. He wants to be around others but doesn't know what to do when he is. He knows when what he is doing is completely inappropriate but he doesn't always know what to do instead. He knows when he is being talked down to by his peers. He knows when they are pitying him or as he would say treating him like he is "retarded". He hates it and wants no part of it. He knows he is smart but he is painfully aware of his limitations.
As his mother I feel so helpless. How do kids today relate to each other? I wish he had one friend-just someone who could bridge the gap that I can't. Most mothers have hopes and dreams for their children's future. I wish I knew what mine held. I am so afraid that when I am gone he will have no one. No one to tell him it will be OK. To talk him down when he is scared. To love him the way I do. To see him for the beautiful soul he is and not the selfish brat he sometimes acts like. He doesn't mean to be so self absorbed. He really isn't but it is so hard to see sometimes past the autism. To see that it is a defense mechanism-a survival technique. He wants to love, to be loved but like anyone else he feels the sting of rejection. It is becoming easier to just be alone. It's less confusing and less risky. Change has always been scary and it can and will become paralyzing if you don't push him. How does one even begin to prepare for what is unknown? Will he go to college-does he want to? Will he be able to hold down a job-live independently? Will he find that special someone-have kids? I just don't know. And that scares me. Sometimes it even paralyzes me. Sometimes I just chose to live in denial. Then reality smacks me in the face.
I do believe in Jesus. I know without a doubt that God will always watch out for and love him in ways that I can't even imagine. I am grateful that he knows that too, But some days I just wish I could get just a small glimpse into what the future held. I just wish I knew.
I am also a little jealous. I know this might not make any sense but she knows. Even though it hurts and I can feel her pain coming through the keyboard as she types. I wish I knew-there is comfort in the known. The unknown breeds fear and uncertainty. I have 2 boys on the autism spectrum. Their diagnosis is much less severe than her sweet boy's. They can speak and function in the neurotypical world. But it hasn't always been that way. I still remember when my youngest was little. His meltdowns were so severe that I was traumatized (I imagine he was too). I planned all my outings around his father's work schedule so I could do them alone. His behaviors were so easy to misunderstand. I remember correcting an older lady who I am sure thought she was helping. "He isn't being disobedient. He has autism and he is feeling very anxious".She looked at me like I had grown a second head.This had become my life. Translating my children's behavior so others could see what I could. They were and still are good boys.They have trouble understanding others feelings but when they do they feel them so deeply.
I remember reading all the statistics and trying so hard to accept that my beautiful little boy who truly was a miracle might never speak. That I might never hear him say "Mamma" or "I love you".I remember when speech finally came.It was so echolaic. Just words repeated from movies, commercials. Beautiful to a mamma's ears but still no connection to me. I remember the first time he looked in my direction and said my name-Mamma. He was 3. I remember going to school functions. Watching all the other children playing and he is in his own little world, just stimming because it's all he knows. I remember the IEP meetings-all the services he needed at first. I remember the one in second grade-He is being moved to indirect services. Just speech and OT. Look at how far he has come. In that moment I saw a light, hope. It has been a roller-coaster ride and I still don't know where we are headed, He has come so far. His older brother is living alone, independent and has a girlfriend. Something I had all but given up on. Most days I can almost forget he is different. Then I get a glimpse of what typical is and the hurt returns. Things he may never understand. The worst is when he understands just enough to know he doesn't. He wants friends but doesn't understand how to do it. He wants to be around others but doesn't know what to do when he is. He knows when what he is doing is completely inappropriate but he doesn't always know what to do instead. He knows when he is being talked down to by his peers. He knows when they are pitying him or as he would say treating him like he is "retarded". He hates it and wants no part of it. He knows he is smart but he is painfully aware of his limitations.
As his mother I feel so helpless. How do kids today relate to each other? I wish he had one friend-just someone who could bridge the gap that I can't. Most mothers have hopes and dreams for their children's future. I wish I knew what mine held. I am so afraid that when I am gone he will have no one. No one to tell him it will be OK. To talk him down when he is scared. To love him the way I do. To see him for the beautiful soul he is and not the selfish brat he sometimes acts like. He doesn't mean to be so self absorbed. He really isn't but it is so hard to see sometimes past the autism. To see that it is a defense mechanism-a survival technique. He wants to love, to be loved but like anyone else he feels the sting of rejection. It is becoming easier to just be alone. It's less confusing and less risky. Change has always been scary and it can and will become paralyzing if you don't push him. How does one even begin to prepare for what is unknown? Will he go to college-does he want to? Will he be able to hold down a job-live independently? Will he find that special someone-have kids? I just don't know. And that scares me. Sometimes it even paralyzes me. Sometimes I just chose to live in denial. Then reality smacks me in the face.
I do believe in Jesus. I know without a doubt that God will always watch out for and love him in ways that I can't even imagine. I am grateful that he knows that too, But some days I just wish I could get just a small glimpse into what the future held. I just wish I knew.
Friday, December 7, 2018
Me too
So this is my second attempt at writing this.
Hello, I am a grateful believer in Christ. I celebrate freedom from abuse and still struggle with anxiety and depression. I remember the first time I went to Celebrate Recovery. I had my "face" super-glued on and it was NOT coming off for anyone. Then the second time I went there was a new group started. I hesitated to join because it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. It was a group for women who had been abused. I knew it was where I belonged but I so did not want to, It was there that I discovered the power in two simple words "me too". Whispered or shouted they have the power to heal, to make us feel connected and loved. I love to write, something I inherited from my Dad. I've had this idea rolling around in my head but when I tried to put it into words it just never came out right.But it kept coming back so I knew it was something that was not my idea but the Lord's. So here goes....
Hello, I am a grateful believer in Christ. I celebrate freedom from abuse and still struggle with anxiety and depression. I remember the first time I went to Celebrate Recovery. I had my "face" super-glued on and it was NOT coming off for anyone. Then the second time I went there was a new group started. I hesitated to join because it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. It was a group for women who had been abused. I knew it was where I belonged but I so did not want to, It was there that I discovered the power in two simple words "me too". Whispered or shouted they have the power to heal, to make us feel connected and loved. I love to write, something I inherited from my Dad. I've had this idea rolling around in my head but when I tried to put it into words it just never came out right.But it kept coming back so I knew it was something that was not my idea but the Lord's. So here goes....
The power of "me too"
There is so much power in those 2 simple words
I sit in the darkness
alone with my shame
All my broken pieces lie shattered on the floor
How could anyone ever possibly understand? Accept me?
Self-hatred and loathing is all I can feel
I've shoved it all down so many times
All these secrets inside my mind
Like a box taped shut and shoved in a corner
Left alone so I can pretend that I'm doing fine
But the tape it just doesn't seem to work
The box is starting to come open and a secret slips out
And in that moment a whisper "Me too"
Like a light so tiny but bright
I can see and I'm not alone!
The flood gate is open and I cannot stop
My load has been lightened with the whisper I heard
Maybe I am not so dirty because you look just like me
Together we are stronger and my light comes on
The words echo and I can hear them all
Me, too. Me, too. Me, too. I thought I was the only one.
Now we are many and together feels better than being alone
You see we were never meant to carry this weight alone
He meant for us to love and forgive
My bible tells me this is so
The brightest of all the lights comes from Him
He walked this world but he didn't do it alone
His example for us to follow
He had His disciples and they had Him too
His light will never dim or go out
It can heal any wound
He's waiting to take all the shame away
He has covered it all with the power of His blood
I am clean and whole and walking in His holy light
If you are struggling I strongly encourage to reach out. Find a Celebrate Recovery and get connected. Healing begins with the first step.
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