Out with the old and in with the New

So it's that time of year again. Reflecting on the past and planning for the future. Looking back there have been some mountain top victories and some pretty low valleys. I admitted for the first time ever out loud that I suffer with depression.That it is more than just being sad. More than just the blues. Looking back this has been a lifelong struggle. The battles have marked every significant life change. It has become my coping (?) mechanism, my default setting-my little secret that I kept locked away.The one that refused to stay hidden. I am learning to let go of the shame that I can't do this-I can't control it. Realizing there is no shame in needing help. 

So 2019 here are my resolutions

1. Learn to love myself the way He does. 

The thing about recovery is it is a process, not a destination. In recovery from lifelong depression I am discovering that much of it is rooted in self-loathing. Not just the "I'm not pretty enough" but not feeling worthy. Worthy of self-care. Of having my basic human needs met. I deserve to be loved. Even as I type it the lies begin. Really, if they ever knew who you really were they would never. Feeling constantly like a fraud. Hearing someone sing your praises and wondering who they are talking about because it could not possibly be you. 

2. To be transparent in all of my struggles.

 I have always tried to do this but I can do better. Transparency removes the shame. It says that because He loves me I don't have to be ashamed. My messes can be someone else's message, I am saved, that does not make me perfect, it just makes me forgiven.

3. To extend Grace to myself

I guess this goes back to number one and maybe number two too. I will fall and I will slip and mess up, Until the day I enter heaven I will be human, imperfect and flawed. I will say and do things that need to be forgiven. I have always strived to be a forgiving person. But the one person I left out was myself. I am going to work on that.

The last thing I am choosing to focus on is my word for the year-HOPE. I got it from a quiz posted by a friend and it has popped up everyday since in some way. I can do all these things because I have hope. This messed up, broken world is not my home. Someday I will be face to face with my Savior. Until then I have the Holy Spirit. I will never be alone in my struggles. He is always there working everything out for me. I can trust Him because over and over again he has proven to me He is worthy.