Saturday, January 26, 2019

Big girl pants

So I haven't really been writing much lately, either  online or the old fashioned  pen and paper way. I have picked up paper and pen, turned on the laptop many times and just froze. Nothing. You see I was struggling with a lot but mostly I was having a lot of trouble with my eyes. I knew I was long overdue for a check up (self care has never been something I excel in). 

So one day after giving up once again because I couldn't see half of what I was typing and backspacing had gotten the best of me, I made the appointment. I told myself and everyone else that I just needed new glasses and I would be fine but I think deep down even then I knew it could be more. It was part of the reason I put it off for so long. Truthfully my vision had progressively gotten worse in my left eye for awhile. My old enemy, Fear had reared his ugly head and I had buried mine in the sand. It's kinda my M.O. 

So last Friday I put on my big girl pants and went to have my eyes checked. I knew something was wrong with the first test. I could tell before she even said anything that my left eye was having trouble focusing. Then came the lovely flipping of the various lenses to get my script. You know the  "which one looks clearer 1 or 2". I've worn glasses since 3rd grade, so I was used to this but he just kept flipping on my left eye. I wasn't even sure there were letters on the screen till the last one. Even then I couldn't read them. I was freaking on the inside and trying my best to remain calm on the outside. He said he was going to have to dilate my eyes because something was going on with my left eye. He put the drops in and sent me out to look for new frames. 

While walking around I debated in my head. See I knew something he didn't. I have a brother with a very rare eye disease, keratoconus. Basically my understanding is the cornea begins to detach and become cone shaped. He had to have a cornea transplant in one eye and may someday have to have one in the other. He was basically considered legally blind and is now on disability. Now that could be me(or at least that is what my fear was). So I went back in and he looked at both my eyes and pulled out his script pad. It was then that I got the courage to speak. I asked him if he thought it was an infection since he was writing a script for antibiotic eye drops. He very honestly said "Possibly but there is something going on with your cornea. If this doesn't clear it up I am going to refer you to a cornea specialist." So then I told him about my brother hoping he would calm my fears by dismissing this as a possibility. But he didn't. He said it was a possibility. He said the rest of my eye looked very healthy and whatever was going on it could be fixed. I gulped and held back the tears while making my follow up appointment. I made it to the car before I fell apart. I heard a tap on my window and saw my oldest son and his girlfriend. I quickly pulled it together and told him what was wrong since he had already seen my tears. But I played it off,  I am fine, it's going to be fine. I didn't want him to be afraid for me. Picked up my eye drops and went home. Cried on my husband's shoulder and sunk down into my poor pitiful me stage. 

I felt sorry for myself and was pretty miserable most of the weekend. I can't remember the exact day or time but I was praying "God please make this go away. Why me? What if I can't drive, work or fix my own hair?" All the things I couldn't do if the worst happens swirled around in my head. I got myself all worked up then He gently reminded me of what my pastor had preached about prayer. It is a conversation. We have to remember to listen as well as talk. So I got quiet. I just sat on my bed, tears streaming and stilled my mind as best as I could. He then quietly reminded me of all the things I could still do even if. I will still be me and all the things that matter about me are still true. I am loved and I have an amazing support group at my church. I am not alone in this. I am surrounded by the prayers of fellow believers. I began to make my peace, still hoping that maybe the drops would work. 

Well a week later and no real changes in my vision. I really don't think I am going to see one. And I am more ok with it than I thought I could be. So I was reading a devotion on my youversion app and a familiar verse came up 

Romans 8:28  We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. 

This verse has popped up so many times in my life when I needed it. You see God is good like that. He doesn't promise all good and a perfect life here on Earth but he gives us His promise that even in the bad, the ugly and the tough He is still there, working it all out for me for I am called by Him and I am loved by Him. 

So back to the writing-I woke up today with the urge to write but quickly my fear jumped in and said "What's the point? I can't see and it may be about to get a whole lot worse". The enemy works like that, tearing us down. But God reminded me "Talitha you are a special education teacher. You know how to make the font bigger so you can see. You would never let one of your students give up so why is it ok for you?" Like the loving Father, He gently reminded me and encouraged me. Even pushed me exactly when I needed it. So here I am writing in the biggest font I can use and doing what I love. Sharing my hope with you. Even if He chooses the tough road for me I am prepared to take it. I will still have moments of fear and doubt but I am not alone. I am not powerless.

******Update*********************
So I went for my follow up appointment and my vision had improved! The machine showed no changes but when they checked my eyes with the lenses I could see. Last time I couldn't see a thing even with the strongest prescription lenses. Now I have new glasses and no referral to a specialist. God is good!

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