I attend a Celebrate Recovery group at my church. I started going to be a supportive spouse and soon discovered just how much I needed fixing. I have been attending now for almost 3 years. My first chip that I began collecting was for "worry" which I now know as anxiety or more truthfully not trusting God with all my life. I worked this recovery for 12 months and felt like I had conquered it. I was wrong.
The next chip started collecting was more of a cry for help. In listening to several of my small group members discussing depression, an ugly side effect that can accompany abuse, I realized I needed help. I was drowning in all my pain and denial. I went to the doctor, got put on my meds and talked truthfully about my feelings. At 12 months I felt better. I was cured. Yeah, right. So at this point I had done a step study "Life's healing choices" and was about to do another. I breezed on through the second one and felt pretty good about myself and how recovered I was.
Well, then came the 12 step program. I had forgiven my ex during my first 8 step, worked through some childhood trauma in the second so when it came time for the dreaded spiritual inventory I really wasn't sure what I needed to work on. After all I was recovered.
Boy was I wrong....I sat down one day and started to write. Listed all my past hurts and just stopped. I was good with all those, what was I going to put in the rest of the columns? Then I did what I should have done first. I prayed. God answered pretty quickly "Me". Gulp, really are you sure? As I wrote it down in obedience the thoughts and tears began to flow. Wow! I really hated myself. I had never forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. In fact I had my own private monologue about how bad I sucked. I made a whole lot of bad decisions. I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship long past it's expiration date. I hurt my boys by allowing their biological dad to hurt them and not stopping it. My self care is non-existent. I allowed myself to be used by my ex for money and pretty much anything else he wanted. After all life was all about him. I internalized all the ugly lies that were told to me from my childhood. My self worth was less than zero. I completely lost my voice when it came to standing up for myself, The list continued as I berated every single part of me. It was so easy to list all the bad things about myself. After all I had heard them every day, first externally by others and then internally in my own voice.
I seriously felt like I was drowning in my own head. My depression came back, my anxiety kicked in. And the voice in my head chimed in, practically cheering me on. But one thing about recovery is that it is ongoing. I had also learned some new skills. I reached out to my accountability partner and sponsor. I read my bible and I prayed. Today in church during altar call I prayed. I cried and I heard my answer. In order to heal this wound I had to stop ignoring the dialogue in my head. Listen to it and silence it once and for all. I had to reach out and ask for the help I needed. I had to accept the truth-I did not get to choose to be broken. That was not my fault and I needed to lay that down. But I could choose to lay it down. I can be healed. Every time I acknowledge the lies I tell myself, I name it for what it is and replace it with truth. It will not happen overnight but it will happen. My Father in Heaven did not create me to be defeated but victorious. I can be free.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Friday, July 5, 2019
The dirty word no one wants to hear
Bet you are wondering what that word could be? Well, I won't keep you in suspense for too long.This post has been on my heart for awhile but I kept hesitating to write it. The topic is unpopular and so often misunderstood.
The word is submission-specifically in marriage and even more so as a wife in a second marriage. As a young woman I struggled with this concept. My rebellious heart just would not hear it. After all we are all equal. And I had a mind of my own and I was not letting any man tell me what I could or could not do. Submission was for the weak, right? Oh no sister, submission takes more strength than you could imagine. My first marriage was one that was unequally yoked-I'll save that lesson for another post, But let's just say submission was not happening.
The second time around, I was determined to make it work. To do better this time. Fortunately we were in the same place spiritually. Both severely backslidden but still we knew where our faith came from and where to go for answers. So I started to read, even before saying "I do". Every devotional that had love or marriage in it, I was reading it. Slowly I began to understand love the way God had intended it. Boy does the world have it all wrong! It teaches us that love is butterflies and instant happiness. And really great sex (well it does-just read a Danielle Steele book). But love in the biblical sense is so much more. Love is a choice, one that you make daily. It is sacrifice and hard work. It is staying even when you don't want to. It is always having each others back. It is a whole lot of forgiving and seeing the worst in each other but sticking it out anyways.
But I digress....back to submission. To fully understand what this means we have to go all the way back to Genesis. His original plan before the fall. First he created man. Then he created woman for man and out of him. And he says when the two are married they become one-a team that sticks together. Then came children. This was his perfect plan. The way things are suppose to happen. But he also gave us free will. So naturally being the rebellious children, we get ourselves kicked out of the garden and quickly begin to assert our will over His plan. And even if you don't believe in Him if you are really honest this is how things work best. So many of the world's problems can be traced back to the disintegration of the family unit.
So what happens to submission when that unit is broken and put back together?
That's where I come in. Second marriage, we both have kids. So how does that work? So many times I hear single moms say "Any man I date will just have to understand my kids come first?"
No dear sister, if you want it to work God will always come first. When we spend our time healing ourselves and re-establishing our relationship with our Heavenly Father, everything else will fall into place. He will send us the mate that will fulfill our hearts and step in as a father to our children. He loves us and always wants what is best for us. He will take care of us. This is hard. Sometimes the wait feels like an eternity. But never forget when the vows are said that submission will require so much more. To submit to a husband above YOUR children is tougher than I could have ever imagined. Becoming a whole family unit-yours and mine becoming ours takes time. Mamma bear is a real thing. But trust me it is worth it.
When you submit to your husband, when you allow him to do what God has called him to do-to be the head of the house, everything else falls into place. Of course this is so much easier when they are submitting to God but their refusal to submit does not give you permission to back out. Pray daily for your husband. Cover him with your love and commit to him and him alone daily. Your children will not like it at first but in the end they will gain a new sense of security that they didn't even know they needed. From a worldly point of view this may not make any sense but it works.
Now let me explain that submit does not mean to be silent or to bow down to. Submit means to acknowledge that you are a team with your husband and that he has the final say. It does not mean that you don't get a voice or that he shouldn't respect your opinion about matters. But what it does mean is that you put your trust in him to take care of and consider your needs above all, second only to God. In a second marriage it means stepping back and allowing him to be the father in your home. My children's biological father has chosen to not be a part of their lives so he is their father. Let him have a voice in all matters regarding your children. Respect his decisions when it comes to discipline and never go behind his back when it comes to this. Remember he will make mistakes but also never forget that he loves you and them and wants what's best. Always let your children see you two as a united front. When it comes to dealing with the ex this is also important. All communication with the exes should be known to the spouse. It is also important for you to let children know there are no secrets and any confidences made to you will be shared with your husband. This is hard but extremely important. Your submission to your husband comes second only to God. Your spouse should always come before your children. This is true for both of you. After all children will leave the nest eventually. Your spouse is forever-till death do you part. If you want that to be true you have to commit to it. Trust me when I say it is hard. It will go against everything you want to do at times(we are always going to have to fight that old sinful nature). It will require a level of selflessness that you never knew possible. It will require a depth of strength that sometimes takes all you have. But he is absolutely worth it and so are you.
I hope this all makes sense and if it doesn't feel free to comment and ask questions.
The word is submission-specifically in marriage and even more so as a wife in a second marriage. As a young woman I struggled with this concept. My rebellious heart just would not hear it. After all we are all equal. And I had a mind of my own and I was not letting any man tell me what I could or could not do. Submission was for the weak, right? Oh no sister, submission takes more strength than you could imagine. My first marriage was one that was unequally yoked-I'll save that lesson for another post, But let's just say submission was not happening.
The second time around, I was determined to make it work. To do better this time. Fortunately we were in the same place spiritually. Both severely backslidden but still we knew where our faith came from and where to go for answers. So I started to read, even before saying "I do". Every devotional that had love or marriage in it, I was reading it. Slowly I began to understand love the way God had intended it. Boy does the world have it all wrong! It teaches us that love is butterflies and instant happiness. And really great sex (well it does-just read a Danielle Steele book). But love in the biblical sense is so much more. Love is a choice, one that you make daily. It is sacrifice and hard work. It is staying even when you don't want to. It is always having each others back. It is a whole lot of forgiving and seeing the worst in each other but sticking it out anyways.
But I digress....back to submission. To fully understand what this means we have to go all the way back to Genesis. His original plan before the fall. First he created man. Then he created woman for man and out of him. And he says when the two are married they become one-a team that sticks together. Then came children. This was his perfect plan. The way things are suppose to happen. But he also gave us free will. So naturally being the rebellious children, we get ourselves kicked out of the garden and quickly begin to assert our will over His plan. And even if you don't believe in Him if you are really honest this is how things work best. So many of the world's problems can be traced back to the disintegration of the family unit.
So what happens to submission when that unit is broken and put back together?
That's where I come in. Second marriage, we both have kids. So how does that work? So many times I hear single moms say "Any man I date will just have to understand my kids come first?"
No dear sister, if you want it to work God will always come first. When we spend our time healing ourselves and re-establishing our relationship with our Heavenly Father, everything else will fall into place. He will send us the mate that will fulfill our hearts and step in as a father to our children. He loves us and always wants what is best for us. He will take care of us. This is hard. Sometimes the wait feels like an eternity. But never forget when the vows are said that submission will require so much more. To submit to a husband above YOUR children is tougher than I could have ever imagined. Becoming a whole family unit-yours and mine becoming ours takes time. Mamma bear is a real thing. But trust me it is worth it.
When you submit to your husband, when you allow him to do what God has called him to do-to be the head of the house, everything else falls into place. Of course this is so much easier when they are submitting to God but their refusal to submit does not give you permission to back out. Pray daily for your husband. Cover him with your love and commit to him and him alone daily. Your children will not like it at first but in the end they will gain a new sense of security that they didn't even know they needed. From a worldly point of view this may not make any sense but it works.
Now let me explain that submit does not mean to be silent or to bow down to. Submit means to acknowledge that you are a team with your husband and that he has the final say. It does not mean that you don't get a voice or that he shouldn't respect your opinion about matters. But what it does mean is that you put your trust in him to take care of and consider your needs above all, second only to God. In a second marriage it means stepping back and allowing him to be the father in your home. My children's biological father has chosen to not be a part of their lives so he is their father. Let him have a voice in all matters regarding your children. Respect his decisions when it comes to discipline and never go behind his back when it comes to this. Remember he will make mistakes but also never forget that he loves you and them and wants what's best. Always let your children see you two as a united front. When it comes to dealing with the ex this is also important. All communication with the exes should be known to the spouse. It is also important for you to let children know there are no secrets and any confidences made to you will be shared with your husband. This is hard but extremely important. Your submission to your husband comes second only to God. Your spouse should always come before your children. This is true for both of you. After all children will leave the nest eventually. Your spouse is forever-till death do you part. If you want that to be true you have to commit to it. Trust me when I say it is hard. It will go against everything you want to do at times(we are always going to have to fight that old sinful nature). It will require a level of selflessness that you never knew possible. It will require a depth of strength that sometimes takes all you have. But he is absolutely worth it and so are you.
I hope this all makes sense and if it doesn't feel free to comment and ask questions.
Monday, June 10, 2019
The struggle is real y'all
So I have read many post, articles, blogs etc. about depression and it always helps me to read others accounts. Makes me feel a little less alone, that maybe I am not a freak-crazy. So today I thought I would contribute my 2 cents. Tell my story so maybe someone else feels less alone. So here goes....
Depression sucks. No big surprise there right? It sucks the joy out of my soul and crushes hope as it tries desperately to fight back. It hurts in every single part of my body. It is the voice of doubt that tells me I am lazy when I can't get off the couch and take a shower even though it is now 3 in the afternoon. It tells me I am useless because my house is a mess and I can't do anything about it. It is the wall between me and self-care. Simply scheduling a hair cut when it is bad causes anxiety. Looking in the mirror I can't muster up the energy to fix my hair, put on make-up and even when I do I can't see any difference. I know all these are lies but the energy to fight back is sometimes more than I can manage. I feel so needy and desperate but the words will not come out. Help, I am drowning. Can't you see my head barely above water?
Depression makes grief so much worse. I believe in heaven. I know that someday I will see my loved ones again but the pain of the here and now is so strong I can't feel the hope. The waves of grief refuse to let me remember the memories and cling to them. I just miss them and I don't understand. There is no rationale strong enough to overcome.
I fight this battle daily. I take medicine. I should probably see someone. Maybe someday I will get the courage to pick up that phone and make an appointment. But for now I turn the music on. Turn it up, I mean way UP. Thankful for a moment that I live in a house and my neighbors can't hear. I sing as loud as I can and slowly my spirits lift. I sing to the heavens and pray and God hears. I know he does because I can feel the fog lift from my brain. I feel hope breaking through the walls. I answer a phone call. I even send out a text. Huge accomplishment even though it may seem small. And I write. Sometimes here and other times on paper. I bleed out all my pain and the wounds close. It may not make sense to anyone else but this is what I do. And I sleep. Because tomorrow is a new day.
Depression sucks. No big surprise there right? It sucks the joy out of my soul and crushes hope as it tries desperately to fight back. It hurts in every single part of my body. It is the voice of doubt that tells me I am lazy when I can't get off the couch and take a shower even though it is now 3 in the afternoon. It tells me I am useless because my house is a mess and I can't do anything about it. It is the wall between me and self-care. Simply scheduling a hair cut when it is bad causes anxiety. Looking in the mirror I can't muster up the energy to fix my hair, put on make-up and even when I do I can't see any difference. I know all these are lies but the energy to fight back is sometimes more than I can manage. I feel so needy and desperate but the words will not come out. Help, I am drowning. Can't you see my head barely above water?
Depression makes grief so much worse. I believe in heaven. I know that someday I will see my loved ones again but the pain of the here and now is so strong I can't feel the hope. The waves of grief refuse to let me remember the memories and cling to them. I just miss them and I don't understand. There is no rationale strong enough to overcome.
I fight this battle daily. I take medicine. I should probably see someone. Maybe someday I will get the courage to pick up that phone and make an appointment. But for now I turn the music on. Turn it up, I mean way UP. Thankful for a moment that I live in a house and my neighbors can't hear. I sing as loud as I can and slowly my spirits lift. I sing to the heavens and pray and God hears. I know he does because I can feel the fog lift from my brain. I feel hope breaking through the walls. I answer a phone call. I even send out a text. Huge accomplishment even though it may seem small. And I write. Sometimes here and other times on paper. I bleed out all my pain and the wounds close. It may not make sense to anyone else but this is what I do. And I sleep. Because tomorrow is a new day.
Sunday, February 3, 2019
my mess His message
Hi my name is Talitha and I am a grateful believer in Christ. I am a survivor of abuse and I struggle with anxiety and depression. I was sexually abused as a child. I always thought other than that one event I had a pretty typical childhood. My dad worked hard but was pretty distant emotionally. My mom shouldered most of the responsibility of parenting and was very hard on me. I always felt like I never quite measured up. I married at 20 and was pregnant with my first child. So far, so good right? Well not so much. He was everything I thought I wanted and needed. He very quickly became the center of my world. There was no hoop too big for me to jump through for him, Nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job till one day he made it pretty clear I wasn't. He left and I was devastated.
But in an act that can only be God I met a guy. We met through a mutual friend and our relationship began on Facebook. It progressed rather quickly and before I knew it we were engaged and I was making plans to move from Tennessee which had been my home for all of my life to Arkansas where I knew no one but him. Looking back it could have gone so wrong. But God. Shortly after we married, he suggested we go to church. I was raised in church so this sounded good to me. It was the first thing I had given up for my ex. I was glad to be back. It was my comfort zone. I still remember the first night walking in and hearing Dr. Sam say "Mike Snyder come on it." I will forever be grateful for the welcoming love I felt at First Baptist. That Easter Sunday I remember being so excited. Everyone had new clothes, Easter baskets and we were going to church! The sermon that Sunday was the resurrection story. I had heard it a thousand times as a child and it was familiar. But something had changed. I was a mother and I could understand it from God the Father's point of view. His sacrifice that day. He gave up his only son to pay for my sins. I could never imagine sacrificing any of my children for any reason. But he did. He turned his back on Jesus, if but for that moment because Jesus took all the sins of the world-all that had been and ever will be. If it had only been me he still would have done it. It was all so overwhelming. I had done so many things and I was so ashamed. How was it possible that I could be washed clean? I certainly did not deserve it. In that moment with tears streaming I cried out. "God I don't know if I ever belonged to you but if I haven't I want to now." In that moment my whole life flashed before me. I could see how my entire life he had been there protecting me and keeping me so I could know him. That day my life changed. I wanted to live for him .
We continued to go to church. First at First Baptist, then Eastside, then Grace. God then led us to New Life. The first Sunday I heard about Celebrate Recovery. I leaned over and pointed it out to Mike, my husband. It took some convincing but finally we went. At first I told myself I was going to be a supportive wife. You see Mike is a recovering alcoholic. He is now 6 years sober. He needed to be there (that's what I told myself) and maybe I had a thing or two I needed to talk about. I had just lost my Dad and I was grieving. I attended the A to Z group for women and shed some tears that first night. But the next week a friend, Melissa approached me and said they were starting an abuse group and would I like to come to it? I thought about it. Told myself that it was in the past and didn't really affect me now. Boy was I wrong. Through this group I have learned to understand how I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 20 years. Why I was so willing to lose myself in a relationship. How to better understand and forgive my mom who was abused herself. Knowing all this helped me identify destructive patterns of behavior that I had learned as a result.
But I wasn't done yet. A sadness was enveloping my life-I chalked it up to grief from losing my Dad. But as we kept meeting and talking I began to realize I needed help. You see that's how Celebrate Recovery works. You come in for one thing and find out everything else that's wrong with you. I was in complete denial but as I listened week after week I started to see myself in others' stories.I heard myself saying "Me too" time after time. It was with the support and accountability I found at Celebrate Recovery that I was able to get the help that I did not want to realize I needed. I am now in recovery for my depression and just collected my 9 month chip. I am also the leader of the group that I never wanted to be a part of. God is good like that. At my lowest point I was sitting on the couch sobbing and I felt the urge to write. What came out can only be explained as the Holy Spirit. I poured out all my pain and at the end of it I found my hope. I would like to share it with you now.
Through Celebrate Recovery I have found the me that I thought I had lost. And because I kept coming back I now stand before you "the new and improved me" The me that God always intended me to be. As we say in CR "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!"
But in an act that can only be God I met a guy. We met through a mutual friend and our relationship began on Facebook. It progressed rather quickly and before I knew it we were engaged and I was making plans to move from Tennessee which had been my home for all of my life to Arkansas where I knew no one but him. Looking back it could have gone so wrong. But God. Shortly after we married, he suggested we go to church. I was raised in church so this sounded good to me. It was the first thing I had given up for my ex. I was glad to be back. It was my comfort zone. I still remember the first night walking in and hearing Dr. Sam say "Mike Snyder come on it." I will forever be grateful for the welcoming love I felt at First Baptist. That Easter Sunday I remember being so excited. Everyone had new clothes, Easter baskets and we were going to church! The sermon that Sunday was the resurrection story. I had heard it a thousand times as a child and it was familiar. But something had changed. I was a mother and I could understand it from God the Father's point of view. His sacrifice that day. He gave up his only son to pay for my sins. I could never imagine sacrificing any of my children for any reason. But he did. He turned his back on Jesus, if but for that moment because Jesus took all the sins of the world-all that had been and ever will be. If it had only been me he still would have done it. It was all so overwhelming. I had done so many things and I was so ashamed. How was it possible that I could be washed clean? I certainly did not deserve it. In that moment with tears streaming I cried out. "God I don't know if I ever belonged to you but if I haven't I want to now." In that moment my whole life flashed before me. I could see how my entire life he had been there protecting me and keeping me so I could know him. That day my life changed. I wanted to live for him .
We continued to go to church. First at First Baptist, then Eastside, then Grace. God then led us to New Life. The first Sunday I heard about Celebrate Recovery. I leaned over and pointed it out to Mike, my husband. It took some convincing but finally we went. At first I told myself I was going to be a supportive wife. You see Mike is a recovering alcoholic. He is now 6 years sober. He needed to be there (that's what I told myself) and maybe I had a thing or two I needed to talk about. I had just lost my Dad and I was grieving. I attended the A to Z group for women and shed some tears that first night. But the next week a friend, Melissa approached me and said they were starting an abuse group and would I like to come to it? I thought about it. Told myself that it was in the past and didn't really affect me now. Boy was I wrong. Through this group I have learned to understand how I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 20 years. Why I was so willing to lose myself in a relationship. How to better understand and forgive my mom who was abused herself. Knowing all this helped me identify destructive patterns of behavior that I had learned as a result.
But I wasn't done yet. A sadness was enveloping my life-I chalked it up to grief from losing my Dad. But as we kept meeting and talking I began to realize I needed help. You see that's how Celebrate Recovery works. You come in for one thing and find out everything else that's wrong with you. I was in complete denial but as I listened week after week I started to see myself in others' stories.I heard myself saying "Me too" time after time. It was with the support and accountability I found at Celebrate Recovery that I was able to get the help that I did not want to realize I needed. I am now in recovery for my depression and just collected my 9 month chip. I am also the leader of the group that I never wanted to be a part of. God is good like that. At my lowest point I was sitting on the couch sobbing and I felt the urge to write. What came out can only be explained as the Holy Spirit. I poured out all my pain and at the end of it I found my hope. I would like to share it with you now.
Standing in a crowded room
people everywhere
Rushing about, living their lives
Here I stand
Invisible
Covered in scars
wounded and hurt
bound by my chains
I screamed but no sound
the only ones to hear
the voices in my head
Telling me I'm not worthy
Why would anyone listen?
You're such as mess
Such an ugly selfish mess!
I stand and I leave
Does anyone even notice?
If I left here forever
would anyone even care?
I don't have an answer
but the fight in me is gone
I just want someone to
see me. To know me and love me anyway
So after I dumped my brokenness out onto paper I began to pray. God said write so I did, having no idea what I was going to do, Here is what I prayed and what he told me.
I am afraid
I am not good enough
I am not worthy
My husband will not love me
when he sees all my pain. All my baggage.
His love will turn to anger and frustration if he knows me.
If I open myself up to him completely.
My children will despise me because I am not strong.
I let them down one too many times and my presence will repulse them.
They will be ashamed of me.
My friends all eventually get enough and walk away
I am not interesting enough to hold their attention
I cannot control my anxiety and go out in public, or even return a phone call
I shut myself out and it is my fault I have no friends
It is easier to be alone than to open myself up again.
To risk the barely healed scabs to be ripped off once again from my freshly healed wounds
But all this is a lie! Demon I name you-Fear.
I rebuke you in the name of Jesus
Humble yourself before the Lord
Resist the devil and he will flee!
You have no choice, you have no power, you can't stay here
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!
I am worthy just to be me
I am loved by my family and friends
I am enough
Because even if all else fails, I was enough for Him
He died, he sacrificed it all just for me
He gave me the power that I now hold in my hand
He knew even then how you would torture me and try to tear me down
It is because He knew my pain that He bled and died
He said NO to you then and I am saying it now
NO more of your lies
NO more of your pain
NO more of your talons digging into my skin, my soul
You have no power unless I let you and I say
NO because he said I can
I am worthy
I am loved
I am washed in his blood
And you have to LEAVE!
Through Celebrate Recovery I have found the me that I thought I had lost. And because I kept coming back I now stand before you "the new and improved me" The me that God always intended me to be. As we say in CR "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!"
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Big girl pants
So I haven't really been writing much lately, either online or the old fashioned pen and paper way. I have picked up paper and pen, turned on the laptop many times and just froze. Nothing. You see I was struggling with a lot but mostly I was having a lot of trouble with my eyes. I knew I was long overdue for a check up (self care has never been something I excel in).
So one day after giving up once again because I couldn't see half of what I was typing and backspacing had gotten the best of me, I made the appointment. I told myself and everyone else that I just needed new glasses and I would be fine but I think deep down even then I knew it could be more. It was part of the reason I put it off for so long. Truthfully my vision had progressively gotten worse in my left eye for awhile. My old enemy, Fear had reared his ugly head and I had buried mine in the sand. It's kinda my M.O.
So last Friday I put on my big girl pants and went to have my eyes checked. I knew something was wrong with the first test. I could tell before she even said anything that my left eye was having trouble focusing. Then came the lovely flipping of the various lenses to get my script. You know the "which one looks clearer 1 or 2". I've worn glasses since 3rd grade, so I was used to this but he just kept flipping on my left eye. I wasn't even sure there were letters on the screen till the last one. Even then I couldn't read them. I was freaking on the inside and trying my best to remain calm on the outside. He said he was going to have to dilate my eyes because something was going on with my left eye. He put the drops in and sent me out to look for new frames.
While walking around I debated in my head. See I knew something he didn't. I have a brother with a very rare eye disease, keratoconus. Basically my understanding is the cornea begins to detach and become cone shaped. He had to have a cornea transplant in one eye and may someday have to have one in the other. He was basically considered legally blind and is now on disability. Now that could be me(or at least that is what my fear was). So I went back in and he looked at both my eyes and pulled out his script pad. It was then that I got the courage to speak. I asked him if he thought it was an infection since he was writing a script for antibiotic eye drops. He very honestly said "Possibly but there is something going on with your cornea. If this doesn't clear it up I am going to refer you to a cornea specialist." So then I told him about my brother hoping he would calm my fears by dismissing this as a possibility. But he didn't. He said it was a possibility. He said the rest of my eye looked very healthy and whatever was going on it could be fixed. I gulped and held back the tears while making my follow up appointment. I made it to the car before I fell apart. I heard a tap on my window and saw my oldest son and his girlfriend. I quickly pulled it together and told him what was wrong since he had already seen my tears. But I played it off, I am fine, it's going to be fine. I didn't want him to be afraid for me. Picked up my eye drops and went home. Cried on my husband's shoulder and sunk down into my poor pitiful me stage.
I felt sorry for myself and was pretty miserable most of the weekend. I can't remember the exact day or time but I was praying "God please make this go away. Why me? What if I can't drive, work or fix my own hair?" All the things I couldn't do if the worst happens swirled around in my head. I got myself all worked up then He gently reminded me of what my pastor had preached about prayer. It is a conversation. We have to remember to listen as well as talk. So I got quiet. I just sat on my bed, tears streaming and stilled my mind as best as I could. He then quietly reminded me of all the things I could still do even if. I will still be me and all the things that matter about me are still true. I am loved and I have an amazing support group at my church. I am not alone in this. I am surrounded by the prayers of fellow believers. I began to make my peace, still hoping that maybe the drops would work.
Well a week later and no real changes in my vision. I really don't think I am going to see one. And I am more ok with it than I thought I could be. So I was reading a devotion on my youversion app and a familiar verse came up
Romans 8:28 We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
This verse has popped up so many times in my life when I needed it. You see God is good like that. He doesn't promise all good and a perfect life here on Earth but he gives us His promise that even in the bad, the ugly and the tough He is still there, working it all out for me for I am called by Him and I am loved by Him.
So back to the writing-I woke up today with the urge to write but quickly my fear jumped in and said "What's the point? I can't see and it may be about to get a whole lot worse". The enemy works like that, tearing us down. But God reminded me "Talitha you are a special education teacher. You know how to make the font bigger so you can see. You would never let one of your students give up so why is it ok for you?" Like the loving Father, He gently reminded me and encouraged me. Even pushed me exactly when I needed it. So here I am writing in the biggest font I can use and doing what I love. Sharing my hope with you. Even if He chooses the tough road for me I am prepared to take it. I will still have moments of fear and doubt but I am not alone. I am not powerless.
******Update*********************
So I went for my follow up appointment and my vision had improved! The machine showed no changes but when they checked my eyes with the lenses I could see. Last time I couldn't see a thing even with the strongest prescription lenses. Now I have new glasses and no referral to a specialist. God is good!
So one day after giving up once again because I couldn't see half of what I was typing and backspacing had gotten the best of me, I made the appointment. I told myself and everyone else that I just needed new glasses and I would be fine but I think deep down even then I knew it could be more. It was part of the reason I put it off for so long. Truthfully my vision had progressively gotten worse in my left eye for awhile. My old enemy, Fear had reared his ugly head and I had buried mine in the sand. It's kinda my M.O.
So last Friday I put on my big girl pants and went to have my eyes checked. I knew something was wrong with the first test. I could tell before she even said anything that my left eye was having trouble focusing. Then came the lovely flipping of the various lenses to get my script. You know the "which one looks clearer 1 or 2". I've worn glasses since 3rd grade, so I was used to this but he just kept flipping on my left eye. I wasn't even sure there were letters on the screen till the last one. Even then I couldn't read them. I was freaking on the inside and trying my best to remain calm on the outside. He said he was going to have to dilate my eyes because something was going on with my left eye. He put the drops in and sent me out to look for new frames.
While walking around I debated in my head. See I knew something he didn't. I have a brother with a very rare eye disease, keratoconus. Basically my understanding is the cornea begins to detach and become cone shaped. He had to have a cornea transplant in one eye and may someday have to have one in the other. He was basically considered legally blind and is now on disability. Now that could be me(or at least that is what my fear was). So I went back in and he looked at both my eyes and pulled out his script pad. It was then that I got the courage to speak. I asked him if he thought it was an infection since he was writing a script for antibiotic eye drops. He very honestly said "Possibly but there is something going on with your cornea. If this doesn't clear it up I am going to refer you to a cornea specialist." So then I told him about my brother hoping he would calm my fears by dismissing this as a possibility. But he didn't. He said it was a possibility. He said the rest of my eye looked very healthy and whatever was going on it could be fixed. I gulped and held back the tears while making my follow up appointment. I made it to the car before I fell apart. I heard a tap on my window and saw my oldest son and his girlfriend. I quickly pulled it together and told him what was wrong since he had already seen my tears. But I played it off, I am fine, it's going to be fine. I didn't want him to be afraid for me. Picked up my eye drops and went home. Cried on my husband's shoulder and sunk down into my poor pitiful me stage.
I felt sorry for myself and was pretty miserable most of the weekend. I can't remember the exact day or time but I was praying "God please make this go away. Why me? What if I can't drive, work or fix my own hair?" All the things I couldn't do if the worst happens swirled around in my head. I got myself all worked up then He gently reminded me of what my pastor had preached about prayer. It is a conversation. We have to remember to listen as well as talk. So I got quiet. I just sat on my bed, tears streaming and stilled my mind as best as I could. He then quietly reminded me of all the things I could still do even if. I will still be me and all the things that matter about me are still true. I am loved and I have an amazing support group at my church. I am not alone in this. I am surrounded by the prayers of fellow believers. I began to make my peace, still hoping that maybe the drops would work.
Well a week later and no real changes in my vision. I really don't think I am going to see one. And I am more ok with it than I thought I could be. So I was reading a devotion on my youversion app and a familiar verse came up
Romans 8:28 We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
This verse has popped up so many times in my life when I needed it. You see God is good like that. He doesn't promise all good and a perfect life here on Earth but he gives us His promise that even in the bad, the ugly and the tough He is still there, working it all out for me for I am called by Him and I am loved by Him.
So back to the writing-I woke up today with the urge to write but quickly my fear jumped in and said "What's the point? I can't see and it may be about to get a whole lot worse". The enemy works like that, tearing us down. But God reminded me "Talitha you are a special education teacher. You know how to make the font bigger so you can see. You would never let one of your students give up so why is it ok for you?" Like the loving Father, He gently reminded me and encouraged me. Even pushed me exactly when I needed it. So here I am writing in the biggest font I can use and doing what I love. Sharing my hope with you. Even if He chooses the tough road for me I am prepared to take it. I will still have moments of fear and doubt but I am not alone. I am not powerless.
******Update*********************
So I went for my follow up appointment and my vision had improved! The machine showed no changes but when they checked my eyes with the lenses I could see. Last time I couldn't see a thing even with the strongest prescription lenses. Now I have new glasses and no referral to a specialist. God is good!
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