I forgive you

I attend a Celebrate Recovery group at my church. I started going to be a supportive spouse and soon discovered just how much I needed fixing. I have been attending now for almost 3 years. My first chip that I began collecting was for "worry" which I now know as anxiety or more truthfully not trusting God with all my life. I worked this recovery for 12 months and felt like I had conquered it. I was wrong.

The next chip started collecting was more of a cry for help. In listening to several of my small group members discussing depression, an ugly side effect that can accompany abuse, I realized I needed help. I was drowning in all my pain and denial. I went to the doctor, got put on my meds and talked truthfully about my feelings. At 12 months I felt better. I was cured. Yeah, right. So at this point I had done a step study "Life's healing choices" and was about to do another. I breezed on through the second one and felt pretty good about myself and how recovered I was.

Well, then came the 12 step program. I had forgiven my ex during my first 8 step, worked through some childhood trauma in the second so when it came time for the dreaded spiritual inventory I really wasn't sure what I needed to work on. After all I was recovered.

Boy was I wrong....I sat down one day and started to write. Listed all my past hurts and just stopped. I was good with all those, what was I going to put in the rest of the columns? Then I did what I should have done first. I prayed. God answered pretty quickly "Me". Gulp, really are you sure? As I wrote it down in obedience the thoughts and tears began to flow. Wow! I really hated myself. I had never forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. In fact I had my own private monologue about how bad I sucked. I made a whole lot of bad decisions. I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship long past it's expiration date. I hurt my boys by allowing their biological dad to hurt them and not stopping it. My self care is non-existent. I allowed myself to be used by my ex for money and pretty much anything else he wanted. After all life was all about him. I internalized all the ugly lies that were told to me from my childhood. My self worth was less than zero. I completely lost my voice when it came to standing up for myself,  The list continued as I berated every single part of me. It was so easy to list all the bad things about myself. After all I had heard them every day, first externally by others and then internally in my own voice.

I seriously felt like I was drowning in my own head. My depression came back, my anxiety kicked in. And the voice in  my head chimed in, practically cheering me on. But one thing about recovery is that it is ongoing. I had also learned some new skills. I reached out to my accountability partner and sponsor. I read my bible and I prayed. Today in church during altar call I prayed. I cried and I heard my answer. In order to heal this wound I had to stop ignoring the dialogue in my head. Listen to it and silence it once and for all. I had to reach out and ask for the help I needed. I had to accept the truth-I did not get to choose to be broken. That was not my fault and I needed to lay that down. But I could choose to lay it down. I can be healed. Every time I acknowledge the lies I tell myself, I name it for what it is and replace it with truth. It will not happen overnight but it will happen. My Father in Heaven did not create me to be defeated but victorious. I can be free.