Thank you

So if you have read my previous posts, you know this is not my first blog. While dating my husband, a friend and I were talking and she said to me "You know Talitha you really should thank your ex for leaving because you are so happy now." I laughed and said, "Yeah maybe someday". I was so not ready for it then. I was still so angry. But just a few short months later I did just that. I posted it on my blog and thought I had moved on. But nope, the anger was still there and I still had a whole lot of healing to do.

That is where Celebrate Recovery and step study stepped in. As I walked through the study the anger I felt at all he had done came back like a slap in the face. I knew it was time to face it, deal with it and put it down. So I took a deep breath and had a conversation I dreaded but needed to have. And no it wasn't with the ex. It was with my oldest son. I needed to know he was  ok. I needed to know that his childhood wasn't ruined because of my bad decisions.

When a person has been emotionally abused the brain shuts the memory part down, or at least it did for me. It was simple survival, It can't hurt if your don't remember it. So I asked him the hard questions-What was it like? What do you remember most? Did you have a happy child hood? The answers surprised me. The abuse was as bad as I remembered. I wasn't crazy, he was a horrible human being. He even went as far as to manipulate my son into treating me the same way. What kind of person does that? He even told me what he remembered most about his biological dad. My ex never addressed me by my name. It was not something that I remembered. But it explains a whole lot.

 But thank goodness my son is half of me. He is so smart and so kind. He has grown into a young man that I am so proud of. In that moment I realized I could be ok because he was more than ok. You see I realized I wasn't the only one who got a second chance. He has a new dad and a new life. My husband has taught him what respect and love really mean. So now I write a new thank you letter. I don't plan on delivering it but you never know.

For seven long years I have thought about what I would say to you if I could. So many questions and so much anger-even hate. But only one thing remains to be said after all this time.

We are okay. Our oldest son is a better man for you leaving.Thank you for giving him the chance to change. He has a dad now-one who is truly present and always puts him first. Our youngest is growing up so fast. He is becoming something that he never would have if you had stayed. He is confident and secure and so loved. He knows who he is and he has a dad who wants him in his life.

I am okay. I finally know what it means to be loved truly and to love. I have a husband who respects and loves me and wants only me-just me. I am enough for him. Thank you for leaving and giving us the chance to heal.

I am not angry and I do forgive you. I will not allow you or your family back into our lives. And that is ok too.

Fear no more

So if  you are reading this by now I guess you know I am a writer.I have felt compelled to write as long as I can remember. It's never really been about others reading or liking it. It is a need, deep down in my soul. It is also a gift that I inherited from my dad who was also a writer. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I used to think I was going crazy but the more I share my story, the more I hear others say "me too" the more I begin to understand my self and my purpose. On February 1, 2017 I lost my dad after a long battle with Parkinson's. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I have always been a daddy's girl. Although we didn't always see eye to eye he was my person. Always there when I needed him and my biggest supporter. Depression smacked me right in the face. I plummeted before I even knew I was falling. I chalked it up to grief but almost a year later I knew. The sense of hopelessness would not leave me. I began to have thoughts of leaving this world. I just wanted to go to my eternal home. I never had a plan or tried to harm myself but I was so tired. In that very dark hour I wrote and this is what came out.

Standing in a crowded room

people everywhere

Rushing about, living their lives

Here I sand

Invisible

Covered in scars

wounded and hurt

bound by my chains

I screamed but no sound

the only ones to hear

the voices in my head

Telling me I'm not worthy

Why would anyone listen?

You're such as mess

Such an ugly selfish mess!

I stand and I leave

Does anyone even notice?

If I left here forever

would anyone even care?

I don't have an answer

but the fight in me is gone

I just want someone to 

see me. To know me and love me anyway

So after I dumped my brokenness out onto paper I began to pray. God said write so I did, having no idea what I was going to do, Here is what I prayed and what he told me.

I am afraid

I am not good enough

I am not worthy

My husband will not love me

when he sees all my pain. All my baggage.

His love will turn to anger and frustration if he knows me.

If I open myself up to him completely.

My children will despise me because I am not strong.

I let them down one too many times and my presence will repulse them.

They will be ashamed of me.

My friends all eventually get enough and walk away

I am not interesting enough to hold their attention

I cannot control my anxiety and go out in public, or even return a phone call

I shut myself out and it is my fault I have no friends

It is easier to be alone than to open myself up again.

To risk the barely healed scabs to be ripped off once again from my freshly healed wounds

But all this is a lie.Demon I name you-Fear.

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus

Humble yourself before the Lord

Resist the devil and he will flee!

You have no choice, you have no power, you can't stay here

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!

I am worthy just to be me

I am loved by my family and friends

I am enough

Because even if all else fails, I was enough for Him

He died, he sacrificed it all just for me

He gave me the power that I now hold in my  hand

He knew even then how you would torture me and try to tear me down

It is because He knew my pain that He bled and died

He said NO to you then and I am saying it now

NO more of your lies

NO more of your pain

NO more of your talons digging into my skin, my soul

You have no power unless I let you and I say 

NO because he said I can

I am worthy

I am loved

I am washed in his blood

And you have to LEAVE!

So this is my story and I pray if that demon is hounding you too that you remember the power that Christ's blood gives you as a child of the King.

His amazing Grace

me too

I remember the first time I whispered those words "me too". I was reading a book about a little girl, all grown up who had been abused. To know that I wasn't alone was a gift. I packed up and hid it away with all of my shame. Just to know that what happened to me wasn't unique took away some of it's power.

I remember walking into a room. Women who had stories to tell. Tears were shed and burdens were lightened. I spoke my truth and somebody listened. But not just to hear but to relate. To know that my thoughts and my feelings weren't wrong. I was not broken. It was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve it. Healing began with those two words. "Me too."

I stood on the stage and proclaimed my truth. This is my story, maybe it is yours too. I kept saying the words and the tears kept falling. Washing away years of feeling so dirty and used. At last I felt clean and worthy, so loved. As one truth spilled out, another came up. I faced my demons and I fought them all one by one. I heard those words from others "Me too".

I am clean, worthy and forgiven. What happened was done to me and I am not to blame. I was innocent and trusting and that was not wrong. I will lay the blame at the feet of the one to whom it belongs. I will walk away and forgive them but I can not forget. My life has purpose, my mess is now my message. I will keep telling my story as long as I hear "Me too".

Every "me too" is a light. At first just a spark but once it's lit it cannot be stopped. Darkness cannot hide where light shines and shame cannot stay where forgiveness lives. Love has conquered and Fear has to go. I was a victim but now I proclaim victory. I am free from my chains.

The stepmom life

So I debated long and hard about writing this but it kept coming back to me so I suppose I'm gonna write it. Let's see if I actually post it, lol. The step mom life was not something I ever planned on. In fact I remember saying when I was barely an adult, after watching a work colleague struggle with it that it was not something I ever wanted to do. Well God definitely has a sense of humor. I have learned that if I say never it probably will happen. Maybe I should say "I will never win the lottery"...anyways back to the step mom thing. From the beginning I have hated that word. It just screams evil to me. But while I am not evil a step mom is one of many hats I wear.

From the very beginning I have always strived to treat all my boys the same. To be fair-it was important to me as a child so it's what I wanted to be as a mom. Well that is easier said than done. With two of my boys living in two households I had to change my mindset. The first thing I had to get over was the hurt I felt for my bio children. Their dad had abandoned them about a year into my new marriage. I struggled with guilt that was not mine to carry. My step children have been so blessed to have lots of extended family on their mom and new stepdad's sides of the family. While I am happy for the love and support that they have in their lives, it highlighted what my two other boys were missing. Luckily I have the world's best husband and he has loved and embraced them from the beginning. This has helped tremendously.

The second was complete lack of control. I may possibly have some control issues that date back to some hurts from my childhood. Being a stepmom means loving a child like they are your very own but realizing that they are not. They have a mom and a dad, so where do I fit in? Figuring this out has been a work in progress from the beginning. It may always be that way. And if I want to be a part of their lives I have to learn to be ok with that. I don't get a choice because neither did they. Most children want their parents to stay together. Once divorce happens most children long for a family reunited. It can happen, Maybe not the way they had imagined but good co-parenting can heal a lot of wounds. A word of advice to anyone entering this type of relationship. If at all possible when there are children make friends with the ex. I mean this, no matter the reason for the divorce remember that you love those children and they love their mom (or Dad). If you want a relationship with your new bonus kids you must get along with one of the most important people in their lives. That has been a source of prayer for me almost from the beginning.

The third struggle and perhaps one of the greatest is developing that bond with your stepchildren. You are a parent to them but not mom and dad. It seems to almost be an instinct for children to love their parents, no matter what they do. Children are very resilient and forgiving of their parents.The same is not true of the step parent. The bond is fragile and unsure. They must respect you, that is non-negotiable but the love well it is not a guarantee. And it has broken my heart more than once. I do not possess the ability to love just a little. I love with my whole heart or nothing at all and one of my step sons is just like me. We are more alike sometimes than me and my own bio children. Our relationship will probably always be a little fragile. But as the adult I have to learn to be ok with that. To love him in spite of it. He needs to know that no matter what life has taught him I am not going any where.

I have been blessed with some pretty amazing kiddos and I am so proud of the young men they are growing up to be. I remember when their dad and I were dating joking that they were so close in age and that they would be teenagers together. Well reality isn't quite so funny. Every day is a new day and I am working on forgiving and letting go. Not letting my past get in the way of being the parent I want to be to all my boys. With God's help and my wonderful husband's support I will be. If you've gotten this far in this post and you are a fellow step parent please leave me a comment. I would love to pray for you and support you along this crazy journey.

God Bless