Thank you

So if you have read my previous posts, you know this is not my first blog. While dating my husband, a friend and I were talking and she said to me "You know Talitha you really should thank your ex for leaving because you are so happy now." I laughed and said, "Yeah maybe someday". I was so not ready for it then. I was still so angry. But just a few short months later I did just that. I posted it on my blog and thought I had moved on. But nope, the anger was still there and I still had a whole lot of healing to do.

That is where Celebrate Recovery and step study stepped in. As I walked through the study the anger I felt at all he had done came back like a slap in the face. I knew it was time to face it, deal with it and put it down. So I took a deep breath and had a conversation I dreaded but needed to have. And no it wasn't with the ex. It was with my oldest son. I needed to know he was  ok. I needed to know that his childhood wasn't ruined because of my bad decisions.

When a person has been emotionally abused the brain shuts the memory part down, or at least it did for me. It was simple survival, It can't hurt if your don't remember it. So I asked him the hard questions-What was it like? What do you remember most? Did you have a happy child hood? The answers surprised me. The abuse was as bad as I remembered. I wasn't crazy, he was a horrible human being. He even went as far as to manipulate my son into treating me the same way. What kind of person does that? He even told me what he remembered most about his biological dad. My ex never addressed me by my name. It was not something that I remembered. But it explains a whole lot.

 But thank goodness my son is half of me. He is so smart and so kind. He has grown into a young man that I am so proud of. In that moment I realized I could be ok because he was more than ok. You see I realized I wasn't the only one who got a second chance. He has a new dad and a new life. My husband has taught him what respect and love really mean. So now I write a new thank you letter. I don't plan on delivering it but you never know.

For seven long years I have thought about what I would say to you if I could. So many questions and so much anger-even hate. But only one thing remains to be said after all this time.

We are okay. Our oldest son is a better man for you leaving.Thank you for giving him the chance to change. He has a dad now-one who is truly present and always puts him first. Our youngest is growing up so fast. He is becoming something that he never would have if you had stayed. He is confident and secure and so loved. He knows who he is and he has a dad who wants him in his life.

I am okay. I finally know what it means to be loved truly and to love. I have a husband who respects and loves me and wants only me-just me. I am enough for him. Thank you for leaving and giving us the chance to heal.

I am not angry and I do forgive you. I will not allow you or your family back into our lives. And that is ok too.