Fear no more

So if  you are reading this by now I guess you know I am a writer.I have felt compelled to write as long as I can remember. It's never really been about others reading or liking it. It is a need, deep down in my soul. It is also a gift that I inherited from my dad who was also a writer. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I used to think I was going crazy but the more I share my story, the more I hear others say "me too" the more I begin to understand my self and my purpose. On February 1, 2017 I lost my dad after a long battle with Parkinson's. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I have always been a daddy's girl. Although we didn't always see eye to eye he was my person. Always there when I needed him and my biggest supporter. Depression smacked me right in the face. I plummeted before I even knew I was falling. I chalked it up to grief but almost a year later I knew. The sense of hopelessness would not leave me. I began to have thoughts of leaving this world. I just wanted to go to my eternal home. I never had a plan or tried to harm myself but I was so tired. In that very dark hour I wrote and this is what came out.

Standing in a crowded room

people everywhere

Rushing about, living their lives

Here I sand

Invisible

Covered in scars

wounded and hurt

bound by my chains

I screamed but no sound

the only ones to hear

the voices in my head

Telling me I'm not worthy

Why would anyone listen?

You're such as mess

Such an ugly selfish mess!

I stand and I leave

Does anyone even notice?

If I left here forever

would anyone even care?

I don't have an answer

but the fight in me is gone

I just want someone to 

see me. To know me and love me anyway

So after I dumped my brokenness out onto paper I began to pray. God said write so I did, having no idea what I was going to do, Here is what I prayed and what he told me.

I am afraid

I am not good enough

I am not worthy

My husband will not love me

when he sees all my pain. All my baggage.

His love will turn to anger and frustration if he knows me.

If I open myself up to him completely.

My children will despise me because I am not strong.

I let them down one too many times and my presence will repulse them.

They will be ashamed of me.

My friends all eventually get enough and walk away

I am not interesting enough to hold their attention

I cannot control my anxiety and go out in public, or even return a phone call

I shut myself out and it is my fault I have no friends

It is easier to be alone than to open myself up again.

To risk the barely healed scabs to be ripped off once again from my freshly healed wounds

But all this is a lie.Demon I name you-Fear.

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus

Humble yourself before the Lord

Resist the devil and he will flee!

You have no choice, you have no power, you can't stay here

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!

I am worthy just to be me

I am loved by my family and friends

I am enough

Because even if all else fails, I was enough for Him

He died, he sacrificed it all just for me

He gave me the power that I now hold in my  hand

He knew even then how you would torture me and try to tear me down

It is because He knew my pain that He bled and died

He said NO to you then and I am saying it now

NO more of your lies

NO more of your pain

NO more of your talons digging into my skin, my soul

You have no power unless I let you and I say 

NO because he said I can

I am worthy

I am loved

I am washed in his blood

And you have to LEAVE!

So this is my story and I pray if that demon is hounding you too that you remember the power that Christ's blood gives you as a child of the King.

His amazing Grace