The stepmom life

So I debated long and hard about writing this but it kept coming back to me so I suppose I'm gonna write it. Let's see if I actually post it, lol. The step mom life was not something I ever planned on. In fact I remember saying when I was barely an adult, after watching a work colleague struggle with it that it was not something I ever wanted to do. Well God definitely has a sense of humor. I have learned that if I say never it probably will happen. Maybe I should say "I will never win the lottery"...anyways back to the step mom thing. From the beginning I have hated that word. It just screams evil to me. But while I am not evil a step mom is one of many hats I wear.

From the very beginning I have always strived to treat all my boys the same. To be fair-it was important to me as a child so it's what I wanted to be as a mom. Well that is easier said than done. With two of my boys living in two households I had to change my mindset. The first thing I had to get over was the hurt I felt for my bio children. Their dad had abandoned them about a year into my new marriage. I struggled with guilt that was not mine to carry. My step children have been so blessed to have lots of extended family on their mom and new stepdad's sides of the family. While I am happy for the love and support that they have in their lives, it highlighted what my two other boys were missing. Luckily I have the world's best husband and he has loved and embraced them from the beginning. This has helped tremendously.

The second was complete lack of control. I may possibly have some control issues that date back to some hurts from my childhood. Being a stepmom means loving a child like they are your very own but realizing that they are not. They have a mom and a dad, so where do I fit in? Figuring this out has been a work in progress from the beginning. It may always be that way. And if I want to be a part of their lives I have to learn to be ok with that. I don't get a choice because neither did they. Most children want their parents to stay together. Once divorce happens most children long for a family reunited. It can happen, Maybe not the way they had imagined but good co-parenting can heal a lot of wounds. A word of advice to anyone entering this type of relationship. If at all possible when there are children make friends with the ex. I mean this, no matter the reason for the divorce remember that you love those children and they love their mom (or Dad). If you want a relationship with your new bonus kids you must get along with one of the most important people in their lives. That has been a source of prayer for me almost from the beginning.

The third struggle and perhaps one of the greatest is developing that bond with your stepchildren. You are a parent to them but not mom and dad. It seems to almost be an instinct for children to love their parents, no matter what they do. Children are very resilient and forgiving of their parents.The same is not true of the step parent. The bond is fragile and unsure. They must respect you, that is non-negotiable but the love well it is not a guarantee. And it has broken my heart more than once. I do not possess the ability to love just a little. I love with my whole heart or nothing at all and one of my step sons is just like me. We are more alike sometimes than me and my own bio children. Our relationship will probably always be a little fragile. But as the adult I have to learn to be ok with that. To love him in spite of it. He needs to know that no matter what life has taught him I am not going any where.

I have been blessed with some pretty amazing kiddos and I am so proud of the young men they are growing up to be. I remember when their dad and I were dating joking that they were so close in age and that they would be teenagers together. Well reality isn't quite so funny. Every day is a new day and I am working on forgiving and letting go. Not letting my past get in the way of being the parent I want to be to all my boys. With God's help and my wonderful husband's support I will be. If you've gotten this far in this post and you are a fellow step parent please leave me a comment. I would love to pray for you and support you along this crazy journey.

God Bless