So it's that time of year again. Reflecting on the past and planning for the future. Looking back there have been some mountain top victories and some pretty low valleys. I admitted for the first time ever out loud that I suffer with depression.That it is more than just being sad. More than just the blues. Looking back this has been a lifelong struggle. The battles have marked every significant life change. It has become my coping (?) mechanism, my default setting-my little secret that I kept locked away.The one that refused to stay hidden. I am learning to let go of the shame that I can't do this-I can't control it. Realizing there is no shame in needing help.
So 2019 here are my resolutions
1. Learn to love myself the way He does.
The thing about recovery is it is a process, not a destination. In recovery from lifelong depression I am discovering that much of it is rooted in self-loathing. Not just the "I'm not pretty enough" but not feeling worthy. Worthy of self-care. Of having my basic human needs met. I deserve to be loved. Even as I type it the lies begin. Really, if they ever knew who you really were they would never. Feeling constantly like a fraud. Hearing someone sing your praises and wondering who they are talking about because it could not possibly be you.
2. To be transparent in all of my struggles.
I have always tried to do this but I can do better. Transparency removes the shame. It says that because He loves me I don't have to be ashamed. My messes can be someone else's message, I am saved, that does not make me perfect, it just makes me forgiven.
3. To extend Grace to myself
I guess this goes back to number one and maybe number two too. I will fall and I will slip and mess up, Until the day I enter heaven I will be human, imperfect and flawed. I will say and do things that need to be forgiven. I have always strived to be a forgiving person. But the one person I left out was myself. I am going to work on that.
The last thing I am choosing to focus on is my word for the year-HOPE. I got it from a quiz posted by a friend and it has popped up everyday since in some way. I can do all these things because I have hope. This messed up, broken world is not my home. Someday I will be face to face with my Savior. Until then I have the Holy Spirit. I will never be alone in my struggles. He is always there working everything out for me. I can trust Him because over and over again he has proven to me He is worthy.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Stuck
So it's Christmas break and I have been catching up on my social media, reading other people's blogs and I came across one that struck a nerve, a raw nerve, one that I thought had healed. It was written by another mom who has a son with severe autism speaking her fears for her son out loud. Fears of regression, progress and most importantly the future. You see she knows that her son will always live with her. He is 8 and doesn't speak. He isn't potty trained and has severe anxiety which limits not only his own life but the lives of his family members. I love this blog and I am in awe of this mom's ability to be so transparent with her life.
I am also a little jealous. I know this might not make any sense but she knows. Even though it hurts and I can feel her pain coming through the keyboard as she types. I wish I knew-there is comfort in the known. The unknown breeds fear and uncertainty. I have 2 boys on the autism spectrum. Their diagnosis is much less severe than her sweet boy's. They can speak and function in the neurotypical world. But it hasn't always been that way. I still remember when my youngest was little. His meltdowns were so severe that I was traumatized (I imagine he was too). I planned all my outings around his father's work schedule so I could do them alone. His behaviors were so easy to misunderstand. I remember correcting an older lady who I am sure thought she was helping. "He isn't being disobedient. He has autism and he is feeling very anxious".She looked at me like I had grown a second head.This had become my life. Translating my children's behavior so others could see what I could. They were and still are good boys.They have trouble understanding others feelings but when they do they feel them so deeply.
I remember reading all the statistics and trying so hard to accept that my beautiful little boy who truly was a miracle might never speak. That I might never hear him say "Mamma" or "I love you".I remember when speech finally came.It was so echolaic. Just words repeated from movies, commercials. Beautiful to a mamma's ears but still no connection to me. I remember the first time he looked in my direction and said my name-Mamma. He was 3. I remember going to school functions. Watching all the other children playing and he is in his own little world, just stimming because it's all he knows. I remember the IEP meetings-all the services he needed at first. I remember the one in second grade-He is being moved to indirect services. Just speech and OT. Look at how far he has come. In that moment I saw a light, hope. It has been a roller-coaster ride and I still don't know where we are headed, He has come so far. His older brother is living alone, independent and has a girlfriend. Something I had all but given up on. Most days I can almost forget he is different. Then I get a glimpse of what typical is and the hurt returns. Things he may never understand. The worst is when he understands just enough to know he doesn't. He wants friends but doesn't understand how to do it. He wants to be around others but doesn't know what to do when he is. He knows when what he is doing is completely inappropriate but he doesn't always know what to do instead. He knows when he is being talked down to by his peers. He knows when they are pitying him or as he would say treating him like he is "retarded". He hates it and wants no part of it. He knows he is smart but he is painfully aware of his limitations.
As his mother I feel so helpless. How do kids today relate to each other? I wish he had one friend-just someone who could bridge the gap that I can't. Most mothers have hopes and dreams for their children's future. I wish I knew what mine held. I am so afraid that when I am gone he will have no one. No one to tell him it will be OK. To talk him down when he is scared. To love him the way I do. To see him for the beautiful soul he is and not the selfish brat he sometimes acts like. He doesn't mean to be so self absorbed. He really isn't but it is so hard to see sometimes past the autism. To see that it is a defense mechanism-a survival technique. He wants to love, to be loved but like anyone else he feels the sting of rejection. It is becoming easier to just be alone. It's less confusing and less risky. Change has always been scary and it can and will become paralyzing if you don't push him. How does one even begin to prepare for what is unknown? Will he go to college-does he want to? Will he be able to hold down a job-live independently? Will he find that special someone-have kids? I just don't know. And that scares me. Sometimes it even paralyzes me. Sometimes I just chose to live in denial. Then reality smacks me in the face.
I do believe in Jesus. I know without a doubt that God will always watch out for and love him in ways that I can't even imagine. I am grateful that he knows that too, But some days I just wish I could get just a small glimpse into what the future held. I just wish I knew.
I am also a little jealous. I know this might not make any sense but she knows. Even though it hurts and I can feel her pain coming through the keyboard as she types. I wish I knew-there is comfort in the known. The unknown breeds fear and uncertainty. I have 2 boys on the autism spectrum. Their diagnosis is much less severe than her sweet boy's. They can speak and function in the neurotypical world. But it hasn't always been that way. I still remember when my youngest was little. His meltdowns were so severe that I was traumatized (I imagine he was too). I planned all my outings around his father's work schedule so I could do them alone. His behaviors were so easy to misunderstand. I remember correcting an older lady who I am sure thought she was helping. "He isn't being disobedient. He has autism and he is feeling very anxious".She looked at me like I had grown a second head.This had become my life. Translating my children's behavior so others could see what I could. They were and still are good boys.They have trouble understanding others feelings but when they do they feel them so deeply.
I remember reading all the statistics and trying so hard to accept that my beautiful little boy who truly was a miracle might never speak. That I might never hear him say "Mamma" or "I love you".I remember when speech finally came.It was so echolaic. Just words repeated from movies, commercials. Beautiful to a mamma's ears but still no connection to me. I remember the first time he looked in my direction and said my name-Mamma. He was 3. I remember going to school functions. Watching all the other children playing and he is in his own little world, just stimming because it's all he knows. I remember the IEP meetings-all the services he needed at first. I remember the one in second grade-He is being moved to indirect services. Just speech and OT. Look at how far he has come. In that moment I saw a light, hope. It has been a roller-coaster ride and I still don't know where we are headed, He has come so far. His older brother is living alone, independent and has a girlfriend. Something I had all but given up on. Most days I can almost forget he is different. Then I get a glimpse of what typical is and the hurt returns. Things he may never understand. The worst is when he understands just enough to know he doesn't. He wants friends but doesn't understand how to do it. He wants to be around others but doesn't know what to do when he is. He knows when what he is doing is completely inappropriate but he doesn't always know what to do instead. He knows when he is being talked down to by his peers. He knows when they are pitying him or as he would say treating him like he is "retarded". He hates it and wants no part of it. He knows he is smart but he is painfully aware of his limitations.
As his mother I feel so helpless. How do kids today relate to each other? I wish he had one friend-just someone who could bridge the gap that I can't. Most mothers have hopes and dreams for their children's future. I wish I knew what mine held. I am so afraid that when I am gone he will have no one. No one to tell him it will be OK. To talk him down when he is scared. To love him the way I do. To see him for the beautiful soul he is and not the selfish brat he sometimes acts like. He doesn't mean to be so self absorbed. He really isn't but it is so hard to see sometimes past the autism. To see that it is a defense mechanism-a survival technique. He wants to love, to be loved but like anyone else he feels the sting of rejection. It is becoming easier to just be alone. It's less confusing and less risky. Change has always been scary and it can and will become paralyzing if you don't push him. How does one even begin to prepare for what is unknown? Will he go to college-does he want to? Will he be able to hold down a job-live independently? Will he find that special someone-have kids? I just don't know. And that scares me. Sometimes it even paralyzes me. Sometimes I just chose to live in denial. Then reality smacks me in the face.
I do believe in Jesus. I know without a doubt that God will always watch out for and love him in ways that I can't even imagine. I am grateful that he knows that too, But some days I just wish I could get just a small glimpse into what the future held. I just wish I knew.
Friday, December 7, 2018
Me too
So this is my second attempt at writing this.
Hello, I am a grateful believer in Christ. I celebrate freedom from abuse and still struggle with anxiety and depression. I remember the first time I went to Celebrate Recovery. I had my "face" super-glued on and it was NOT coming off for anyone. Then the second time I went there was a new group started. I hesitated to join because it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. It was a group for women who had been abused. I knew it was where I belonged but I so did not want to, It was there that I discovered the power in two simple words "me too". Whispered or shouted they have the power to heal, to make us feel connected and loved. I love to write, something I inherited from my Dad. I've had this idea rolling around in my head but when I tried to put it into words it just never came out right.But it kept coming back so I knew it was something that was not my idea but the Lord's. So here goes....
Hello, I am a grateful believer in Christ. I celebrate freedom from abuse and still struggle with anxiety and depression. I remember the first time I went to Celebrate Recovery. I had my "face" super-glued on and it was NOT coming off for anyone. Then the second time I went there was a new group started. I hesitated to join because it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. It was a group for women who had been abused. I knew it was where I belonged but I so did not want to, It was there that I discovered the power in two simple words "me too". Whispered or shouted they have the power to heal, to make us feel connected and loved. I love to write, something I inherited from my Dad. I've had this idea rolling around in my head but when I tried to put it into words it just never came out right.But it kept coming back so I knew it was something that was not my idea but the Lord's. So here goes....
The power of "me too"
There is so much power in those 2 simple words
I sit in the darkness
alone with my shame
All my broken pieces lie shattered on the floor
How could anyone ever possibly understand? Accept me?
Self-hatred and loathing is all I can feel
I've shoved it all down so many times
All these secrets inside my mind
Like a box taped shut and shoved in a corner
Left alone so I can pretend that I'm doing fine
But the tape it just doesn't seem to work
The box is starting to come open and a secret slips out
And in that moment a whisper "Me too"
Like a light so tiny but bright
I can see and I'm not alone!
The flood gate is open and I cannot stop
My load has been lightened with the whisper I heard
Maybe I am not so dirty because you look just like me
Together we are stronger and my light comes on
The words echo and I can hear them all
Me, too. Me, too. Me, too. I thought I was the only one.
Now we are many and together feels better than being alone
You see we were never meant to carry this weight alone
He meant for us to love and forgive
My bible tells me this is so
The brightest of all the lights comes from Him
He walked this world but he didn't do it alone
His example for us to follow
He had His disciples and they had Him too
His light will never dim or go out
It can heal any wound
He's waiting to take all the shame away
He has covered it all with the power of His blood
I am clean and whole and walking in His holy light
If you are struggling I strongly encourage to reach out. Find a Celebrate Recovery and get connected. Healing begins with the first step.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Thank you
So if you have read my previous posts, you know this is not my first blog. While dating my husband, a friend and I were talking and she said to me "You know Talitha you really should thank your ex for leaving because you are so happy now." I laughed and said, "Yeah maybe someday". I was so not ready for it then. I was still so angry. But just a few short months later I did just that. I posted it on my blog and thought I had moved on. But nope, the anger was still there and I still had a whole lot of healing to do.
That is where Celebrate Recovery and step study stepped in. As I walked through the study the anger I felt at all he had done came back like a slap in the face. I knew it was time to face it, deal with it and put it down. So I took a deep breath and had a conversation I dreaded but needed to have. And no it wasn't with the ex. It was with my oldest son. I needed to know he was ok. I needed to know that his childhood wasn't ruined because of my bad decisions.
When a person has been emotionally abused the brain shuts the memory part down, or at least it did for me. It was simple survival, It can't hurt if your don't remember it. So I asked him the hard questions-What was it like? What do you remember most? Did you have a happy child hood? The answers surprised me. The abuse was as bad as I remembered. I wasn't crazy, he was a horrible human being. He even went as far as to manipulate my son into treating me the same way. What kind of person does that? He even told me what he remembered most about his biological dad. My ex never addressed me by my name. It was not something that I remembered. But it explains a whole lot.
But thank goodness my son is half of me. He is so smart and so kind. He has grown into a young man that I am so proud of. In that moment I realized I could be ok because he was more than ok. You see I realized I wasn't the only one who got a second chance. He has a new dad and a new life. My husband has taught him what respect and love really mean. So now I write a new thank you letter. I don't plan on delivering it but you never know.
For seven long years I have thought about what I would say to you if I could. So many questions and so much anger-even hate. But only one thing remains to be said after all this time.
We are okay. Our oldest son is a better man for you leaving.Thank you for giving him the chance to change. He has a dad now-one who is truly present and always puts him first. Our youngest is growing up so fast. He is becoming something that he never would have if you had stayed. He is confident and secure and so loved. He knows who he is and he has a dad who wants him in his life.
I am okay. I finally know what it means to be loved truly and to love. I have a husband who respects and loves me and wants only me-just me. I am enough for him. Thank you for leaving and giving us the chance to heal.
I am not angry and I do forgive you. I will not allow you or your family back into our lives. And that is ok too.
That is where Celebrate Recovery and step study stepped in. As I walked through the study the anger I felt at all he had done came back like a slap in the face. I knew it was time to face it, deal with it and put it down. So I took a deep breath and had a conversation I dreaded but needed to have. And no it wasn't with the ex. It was with my oldest son. I needed to know he was ok. I needed to know that his childhood wasn't ruined because of my bad decisions.
When a person has been emotionally abused the brain shuts the memory part down, or at least it did for me. It was simple survival, It can't hurt if your don't remember it. So I asked him the hard questions-What was it like? What do you remember most? Did you have a happy child hood? The answers surprised me. The abuse was as bad as I remembered. I wasn't crazy, he was a horrible human being. He even went as far as to manipulate my son into treating me the same way. What kind of person does that? He even told me what he remembered most about his biological dad. My ex never addressed me by my name. It was not something that I remembered. But it explains a whole lot.
But thank goodness my son is half of me. He is so smart and so kind. He has grown into a young man that I am so proud of. In that moment I realized I could be ok because he was more than ok. You see I realized I wasn't the only one who got a second chance. He has a new dad and a new life. My husband has taught him what respect and love really mean. So now I write a new thank you letter. I don't plan on delivering it but you never know.
For seven long years I have thought about what I would say to you if I could. So many questions and so much anger-even hate. But only one thing remains to be said after all this time.
We are okay. Our oldest son is a better man for you leaving.Thank you for giving him the chance to change. He has a dad now-one who is truly present and always puts him first. Our youngest is growing up so fast. He is becoming something that he never would have if you had stayed. He is confident and secure and so loved. He knows who he is and he has a dad who wants him in his life.
I am okay. I finally know what it means to be loved truly and to love. I have a husband who respects and loves me and wants only me-just me. I am enough for him. Thank you for leaving and giving us the chance to heal.
I am not angry and I do forgive you. I will not allow you or your family back into our lives. And that is ok too.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Fear no more
So if you are reading this by now I guess you know I am a writer.I have felt compelled to write as long as I can remember. It's never really been about others reading or liking it. It is a need, deep down in my soul. It is also a gift that I inherited from my dad who was also a writer. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I used to think I was going crazy but the more I share my story, the more I hear others say "me too" the more I begin to understand my self and my purpose. On February 1, 2017 I lost my dad after a long battle with Parkinson's. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I have always been a daddy's girl. Although we didn't always see eye to eye he was my person. Always there when I needed him and my biggest supporter. Depression smacked me right in the face. I plummeted before I even knew I was falling. I chalked it up to grief but almost a year later I knew. The sense of hopelessness would not leave me. I began to have thoughts of leaving this world. I just wanted to go to my eternal home. I never had a plan or tried to harm myself but I was so tired. In that very dark hour I wrote and this is what came out.
Standing in a crowded room
people everywhere
Rushing about, living their lives
Here I sand
Invisible
Covered in scars
wounded and hurt
bound by my chains
I screamed but no sound
the only ones to hear
the voices in my head
Telling me I'm not worthy
Why would anyone listen?
You're such as mess
Such an ugly selfish mess!
I stand and I leave
Does anyone even notice?
If I left here forever
would anyone even care?
I don't have an answer
but the fight in me is gone
I just want someone to
see me. To know me and love me anyway
So after I dumped my brokenness out onto paper I began to pray. God said write so I did, having no idea what I was going to do, Here is what I prayed and what he told me.
I am afraid
I am not good enough
I am not worthy
My husband will not love me
when he sees all my pain. All my baggage.
His love will turn to anger and frustration if he knows me.
If I open myself up to him completely.
My children will despise me because I am not strong.
I let them down one too many times and my presence will repulse them.
They will be ashamed of me.
My friends all eventually get enough and walk away
I am not interesting enough to hold their attention
I cannot control my anxiety and go out in public, or even return a phone call
I shut myself out and it is my fault I have no friends
It is easier to be alone than to open myself up again.
To risk the barely healed scabs to be ripped off once again from my freshly healed wounds
But all this is a lie.Demon I name you-Fear.
I rebuke you in the name of Jesus
Humble yourself before the Lord
Resist the devil and he will flee!
You have no choice, you have no power, you can't stay here
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!
I am worthy just to be me
I am loved by my family and friends
I am enough
Because even if all else fails, I was enough for Him
He died, he sacrificed it all just for me
He gave me the power that I now hold in my hand
He knew even then how you would torture me and try to tear me down
It is because He knew my pain that He bled and died
He said NO to you then and I am saying it now
NO more of your lies
NO more of your pain
NO more of your talons digging into my skin, my soul
You have no power unless I let you and I say
NO because he said I can
I am worthy
I am loved
I am washed in his blood
And you have to LEAVE!
So this is my story and I pray if that demon is hounding you too that you remember the power that Christ's blood gives you as a child of the King.
His amazing Grace
Thursday, September 13, 2018
me too
I remember the first time I whispered those words "me too". I was reading a book about a little girl, all grown up who had been abused. To know that I wasn't alone was a gift. I packed up and hid it away with all of my shame. Just to know that what happened to me wasn't unique took away some of it's power.
I remember walking into a room. Women who had stories to tell. Tears were shed and burdens were lightened. I spoke my truth and somebody listened. But not just to hear but to relate. To know that my thoughts and my feelings weren't wrong. I was not broken. It was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve it. Healing began with those two words. "Me too."
I stood on the stage and proclaimed my truth. This is my story, maybe it is yours too. I kept saying the words and the tears kept falling. Washing away years of feeling so dirty and used. At last I felt clean and worthy, so loved. As one truth spilled out, another came up. I faced my demons and I fought them all one by one. I heard those words from others "Me too".
I am clean, worthy and forgiven. What happened was done to me and I am not to blame. I was innocent and trusting and that was not wrong. I will lay the blame at the feet of the one to whom it belongs. I will walk away and forgive them but I can not forget. My life has purpose, my mess is now my message. I will keep telling my story as long as I hear "Me too".
Every "me too" is a light. At first just a spark but once it's lit it cannot be stopped. Darkness cannot hide where light shines and shame cannot stay where forgiveness lives. Love has conquered and Fear has to go. I was a victim but now I proclaim victory. I am free from my chains.
I remember walking into a room. Women who had stories to tell. Tears were shed and burdens were lightened. I spoke my truth and somebody listened. But not just to hear but to relate. To know that my thoughts and my feelings weren't wrong. I was not broken. It was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve it. Healing began with those two words. "Me too."
I stood on the stage and proclaimed my truth. This is my story, maybe it is yours too. I kept saying the words and the tears kept falling. Washing away years of feeling so dirty and used. At last I felt clean and worthy, so loved. As one truth spilled out, another came up. I faced my demons and I fought them all one by one. I heard those words from others "Me too".
I am clean, worthy and forgiven. What happened was done to me and I am not to blame. I was innocent and trusting and that was not wrong. I will lay the blame at the feet of the one to whom it belongs. I will walk away and forgive them but I can not forget. My life has purpose, my mess is now my message. I will keep telling my story as long as I hear "Me too".
Every "me too" is a light. At first just a spark but once it's lit it cannot be stopped. Darkness cannot hide where light shines and shame cannot stay where forgiveness lives. Love has conquered and Fear has to go. I was a victim but now I proclaim victory. I am free from my chains.
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
The stepmom life
So I debated long and hard about writing this but it kept coming back to me so I suppose I'm gonna write it. Let's see if I actually post it, lol. The step mom life was not something I ever planned on. In fact I remember saying when I was barely an adult, after watching a work colleague struggle with it that it was not something I ever wanted to do. Well God definitely has a sense of humor. I have learned that if I say never it probably will happen. Maybe I should say "I will never win the lottery"...anyways back to the step mom thing. From the beginning I have hated that word. It just screams evil to me. But while I am not evil a step mom is one of many hats I wear.
From the very beginning I have always strived to treat all my boys the same. To be fair-it was important to me as a child so it's what I wanted to be as a mom. Well that is easier said than done. With two of my boys living in two households I had to change my mindset. The first thing I had to get over was the hurt I felt for my bio children. Their dad had abandoned them about a year into my new marriage. I struggled with guilt that was not mine to carry. My step children have been so blessed to have lots of extended family on their mom and new stepdad's sides of the family. While I am happy for the love and support that they have in their lives, it highlighted what my two other boys were missing. Luckily I have the world's best husband and he has loved and embraced them from the beginning. This has helped tremendously.
The second was complete lack of control. I may possibly have some control issues that date back to some hurts from my childhood. Being a stepmom means loving a child like they are your very own but realizing that they are not. They have a mom and a dad, so where do I fit in? Figuring this out has been a work in progress from the beginning. It may always be that way. And if I want to be a part of their lives I have to learn to be ok with that. I don't get a choice because neither did they. Most children want their parents to stay together. Once divorce happens most children long for a family reunited. It can happen, Maybe not the way they had imagined but good co-parenting can heal a lot of wounds. A word of advice to anyone entering this type of relationship. If at all possible when there are children make friends with the ex. I mean this, no matter the reason for the divorce remember that you love those children and they love their mom (or Dad). If you want a relationship with your new bonus kids you must get along with one of the most important people in their lives. That has been a source of prayer for me almost from the beginning.
The third struggle and perhaps one of the greatest is developing that bond with your stepchildren. You are a parent to them but not mom and dad. It seems to almost be an instinct for children to love their parents, no matter what they do. Children are very resilient and forgiving of their parents.The same is not true of the step parent. The bond is fragile and unsure. They must respect you, that is non-negotiable but the love well it is not a guarantee. And it has broken my heart more than once. I do not possess the ability to love just a little. I love with my whole heart or nothing at all and one of my step sons is just like me. We are more alike sometimes than me and my own bio children. Our relationship will probably always be a little fragile. But as the adult I have to learn to be ok with that. To love him in spite of it. He needs to know that no matter what life has taught him I am not going any where.
I have been blessed with some pretty amazing kiddos and I am so proud of the young men they are growing up to be. I remember when their dad and I were dating joking that they were so close in age and that they would be teenagers together. Well reality isn't quite so funny. Every day is a new day and I am working on forgiving and letting go. Not letting my past get in the way of being the parent I want to be to all my boys. With God's help and my wonderful husband's support I will be. If you've gotten this far in this post and you are a fellow step parent please leave me a comment. I would love to pray for you and support you along this crazy journey.
God Bless
From the very beginning I have always strived to treat all my boys the same. To be fair-it was important to me as a child so it's what I wanted to be as a mom. Well that is easier said than done. With two of my boys living in two households I had to change my mindset. The first thing I had to get over was the hurt I felt for my bio children. Their dad had abandoned them about a year into my new marriage. I struggled with guilt that was not mine to carry. My step children have been so blessed to have lots of extended family on their mom and new stepdad's sides of the family. While I am happy for the love and support that they have in their lives, it highlighted what my two other boys were missing. Luckily I have the world's best husband and he has loved and embraced them from the beginning. This has helped tremendously.
The second was complete lack of control. I may possibly have some control issues that date back to some hurts from my childhood. Being a stepmom means loving a child like they are your very own but realizing that they are not. They have a mom and a dad, so where do I fit in? Figuring this out has been a work in progress from the beginning. It may always be that way. And if I want to be a part of their lives I have to learn to be ok with that. I don't get a choice because neither did they. Most children want their parents to stay together. Once divorce happens most children long for a family reunited. It can happen, Maybe not the way they had imagined but good co-parenting can heal a lot of wounds. A word of advice to anyone entering this type of relationship. If at all possible when there are children make friends with the ex. I mean this, no matter the reason for the divorce remember that you love those children and they love their mom (or Dad). If you want a relationship with your new bonus kids you must get along with one of the most important people in their lives. That has been a source of prayer for me almost from the beginning.
The third struggle and perhaps one of the greatest is developing that bond with your stepchildren. You are a parent to them but not mom and dad. It seems to almost be an instinct for children to love their parents, no matter what they do. Children are very resilient and forgiving of their parents.The same is not true of the step parent. The bond is fragile and unsure. They must respect you, that is non-negotiable but the love well it is not a guarantee. And it has broken my heart more than once. I do not possess the ability to love just a little. I love with my whole heart or nothing at all and one of my step sons is just like me. We are more alike sometimes than me and my own bio children. Our relationship will probably always be a little fragile. But as the adult I have to learn to be ok with that. To love him in spite of it. He needs to know that no matter what life has taught him I am not going any where.
I have been blessed with some pretty amazing kiddos and I am so proud of the young men they are growing up to be. I remember when their dad and I were dating joking that they were so close in age and that they would be teenagers together. Well reality isn't quite so funny. Every day is a new day and I am working on forgiving and letting go. Not letting my past get in the way of being the parent I want to be to all my boys. With God's help and my wonderful husband's support I will be. If you've gotten this far in this post and you are a fellow step parent please leave me a comment. I would love to pray for you and support you along this crazy journey.
God Bless
Saturday, August 25, 2018
Finding my way back home
So on June 30, 2012 I married my true love, my soul mate, my very best friend. Life was perfect, right? Yeah it was pretty good but something was missing. On one of our late night phone conversations before getting married we talked about our faith-or for me the lack of. He said to me "I am a Christian but I haven't been to church in a while. But I will go back eventually." I felt a tug, a longing that I did not understand at that point. But after we got married I started asking-When can we go to church? One Sunday night we went, finally. I will never forget walking in-scared and ashamed because it had been so long. I had so much baggage, pain and sin. But it truly was like coming home. Like the prodigal son fresh from the pigpen I knew I needed to be forgiven but doubted if it was even possible. I remember the pastor looking up from what he was reading (we were late of course) and saying in the kindest voice "Well hello Mike come on in". He didn't know me yet but he remembered my husband who he had help lead to Christ several years before. Afterwards so many people came and welcomed us. I felt love and acceptance that I didn't even know I needed.
From that point on we attended church pretty regularly. I remember that first Easter Sunday as a family. Buying new outfits for everyone and being so excited. It had been so long since I had celebrated this holiday. The sermon was typical-the cross, the crucifixion, and the resurrection but I heard it with new ears. As a mother, for the first time I understood God the Father in a whole new way. He gave his one and only son for me. I had turned my back, yelled and screamed and questioned. I had made so many mistakes but still he loved me. I can't even imagine sacrificing any of my precious babies for someone I loved let alone someone who hated me. But that is exactly what he did. How his heart must have ached when he had to turn his back on Jesus as he took on all my sins-the sins of the whole world. His heart was broken and yet he still did it. Tears were streaming down my face. In that moment I laid down all my baggage and cried out to him "God I don't know if I am yours but if I'm not I want to be!". And as clear as I have ever heard anything I heard him say to me "My child you have always been mine". My past flashed before my eyes and I could see how his hand was always on me even when I did not want it. Like the prodigal son, I could come back home. I was loved. His grace was and is always sufficient. Nothing I could do would make me worthy and nothing I have done will take it away from me. I had found my way back home.
From that point on we attended church pretty regularly. I remember that first Easter Sunday as a family. Buying new outfits for everyone and being so excited. It had been so long since I had celebrated this holiday. The sermon was typical-the cross, the crucifixion, and the resurrection but I heard it with new ears. As a mother, for the first time I understood God the Father in a whole new way. He gave his one and only son for me. I had turned my back, yelled and screamed and questioned. I had made so many mistakes but still he loved me. I can't even imagine sacrificing any of my precious babies for someone I loved let alone someone who hated me. But that is exactly what he did. How his heart must have ached when he had to turn his back on Jesus as he took on all my sins-the sins of the whole world. His heart was broken and yet he still did it. Tears were streaming down my face. In that moment I laid down all my baggage and cried out to him "God I don't know if I am yours but if I'm not I want to be!". And as clear as I have ever heard anything I heard him say to me "My child you have always been mine". My past flashed before my eyes and I could see how his hand was always on me even when I did not want it. Like the prodigal son, I could come back home. I was loved. His grace was and is always sufficient. Nothing I could do would make me worthy and nothing I have done will take it away from me. I had found my way back home.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
The end and the beginning
So let me get you caught up on me and my crazy, upside down life. I have never been one to learn things the easy way. I may be just a little stubborn and I've always been one to make my own path in the world. Not always the best way but hey, that's just me. I was married at 20 and having my first child by 21. I was very rebellious and angry and married someone who my parents did not approve of. We (mostly him but I certainly went along with it) got married on Halloween and moved soon after 2 1/2 hours away from my family. To say I was on a slippery downward slope is a pretty accurate description of the next 16 years of my life. I was raised in church and was saved when I was 4 years old. I knew all the right words and all the songs to sing. But my foundation was weak and it quickly crumbled under the weight of all the world had to offer. I look back and I can so clearly see the Father's protective hand on my life. I went down some pretty dark roads but could have ended up so much worse than it did. We separated after 5 years and stayed apart and even divorced but I was as addicted to him as one could be to drugs. I wanted what I thought he could give me-love, acceptance, self-worth and identity. I had no idea who I was or what I really wanted. I truly did not know who I was without him.
So after 2 years apart I asked him to come back. We split up and got back together several times but made it another 10 years before he finally left. To say our relationship was toxic is just scratching the surface of what it was. I lost myself in trying to be what I thought he needed. I didn't know till later but that was codependency. He always had a hard time keeping a job-I made excuses for him and his bad behavior but really he was selfish and lazy. The kids and I were never a priority and he got tired of pretending. So one day after losing yet another job he came up with a brilliant idea. He was going to move to another state and take a job. At this time our oldest was a junior in high school and I was a teacher. So I came up with the plan-I would stay and finish out the next 2 years with the kids (at this point we had 2 boys) and he would move. We would visit him and when my oldest had graduated we would move and be together. Great plan, right? Yeah hindsight is 20/20. He sat down with me and we told the boys the plan. Then he left. Two weeks later we had just finished our nightly call and I got a feeling that something was wrong. So I called him back and ask what was wrong. He began with the usual "I've been unhappy for awhile. I don't love you anymore, etc." I was floored. I did not see it coming and I was so mad. If he had told me this in person I might have hurt him. I begged him not for me but for the boys. I knew the fallout for them would be devastating. And it was. It has taken me 7 years to forgive him for the pain he caused my babies.
So now I was single, alone. Something I had never planned and certainly had not wanted. I cried, I screamed. I stopped eating and dropped 20 pounds. I basically turned into a zombie. I felt so empty. I never wanted my home to be broken. I had put up with a lot from him to keep this from happening and I was outraged that after all I had done he had rejected me so completely. How dare he?! But it was in these moments that I found out I was not alone. I still had people who loved me and they rallied around me. I will forever be grateful for all the late night phone calls, The drinks after work with a dear friend and just the love that I felt from family and friends. Messages on Facebook, both on my wall and private messages. In fact it was through Facebook that I met my husband. A friend who I had just recently reconnected with sent me her phone number and an invitation to come and stay for the weekend. She fed me and took care of both my physical and emotional needs. We drank wine and watched movies and I began to see the light, to feel hope again. Some time later, perhaps a month I'm not exactly sure, she came and stayed with me. It was that weekend as we were sitting there watching a movie and drinking wine that she picked up her phone and scrolled Facebook. She said those fated words "Hey my friend just changed his relationship status. You should send him a friend request. Y'all have a lot in common." One look at his picture and I was interested. Fueled with alcohol induced bravery I sent him a request. We commented back and forth and I will admit I Facebook stalked him. I was interested but never ever thought he would be. But he was and on July 2 after texting and messaging we talked on the phone for the first time. From that day we talked nearly every day for hours. I was smitten. I fell hard and fast. While spending a weekend with my friend I made a wish list of all the things I wanted from my next relationship, never thinking that it would come true. But truly the more I got to know him the more things I checked off that list. By the time we got married almost exactly a year later I had checked everything off the list. Not to say he was perfect but he was and still is perfect for me. Truly my new beginning of what I once thought was the end of my world. I was 38 and my life felt like it was just beginning.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
How it all began
So I figure I'll start off by telling you a little bit about myself. I am first and foremost a follower and believer in Jesus Christ. I am a wife and a mother to four boys. Two of them I gave birth to and the other two I gained when I married their dad. I have been married for 6 years now to my best friend and life is pretty dang good. I started my career as a special education teacher 12 years ago because two of my boys are on the autism spectrum. I am now a preschool teacher and I absolutely love it.When I started this blog on another sight 7 years ago my life was in a very different place. I was about to end a very destructive relationship with my two bio kids' dad. I didn't know that at the time. I thought he had taken an awesome job in another state and I was going to finish out my year of teaching and move. I had come home from a ballgame for my youngest son and I was feeling very frustrated. He is on the high end of the autism spectrum and I had a conversation with another parent that left me feeling very alone. She made the comparison between my son and her daughter. "At least he can talk and is in classes with his peers" As if this made my struggle any less! This wasn't the first time I had heard this and I was so sick of it. I felt stuck, caught between 2 worlds. We didn't fit into normal life (whatever that is) but we didn't quite fit into the world of special needs. I just needed a voice so I started a blog. Not even a week later my now ex called and very abruptly ended things. I was devastated and lost. I still wrote some but I lost my password and just lost track of the blog. My world as I had known it for 17 years had ended. I had no idea what I was going to do. Well as I'm sure you have guessed by my introduction things did get better. Now caught in between worlds has so much more meaning and I am in a much better place because of that devastating night where I thought my life had ended. It had in fact just begun. So today I am a believer, wife, mother, bonus mom and a teacher. I am so excited to tell you my story and I hope you will be too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)